It's the first question everyone asks when the see us or meet our new foster daughters.
"Wouldn't we like to know!?" I reply. (Ok, I only think this because I'm not a complete tool, but that's really what goes through my head.)
I understand. It seems like the appropriate thing to ask. It's what I would ask.
We. Do. Not. Know.
The gravity of that statement is still sinking in.
The truth is that we really have genuinely no idea how long our two precious foster daughters will be with us.
When they were first placed with us, we were told there was a relative who would get them eventually, but they needed somewhere to be loved in the meantime. We said yes.
And in the meantime, people will say things like:
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...
I mean, I know that sentiment is true, but seriously. Does anyone really expect to live like this?!
We have refused to let that not knowing change how we treat these girls.
We love them. Period. I was taken aback at how easily that love flowed out of me to them. No props- that's a God thing. It's just how he made me. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl.
We knew going into foster care that we might only have children temporarily. We knew that they would search for family members and that if they found one willing to take the children, those family members would receive preference to us. We knew that.
We also knew that Matt's Native American heritage would both open doors to us and make it more difficult for us to keep those doors open. Because our precious girls are from a different tribe, their tribe can come in AT ANY TIME, and take the girls.
We knew all that.
Somehow, the knowing isn't helping. I mean... I knew child birth was going to hurt, but I still had to do it and knowing it upfront didn't make it not hurt!
Gradually, the prospect of our sweet girls going to live with that relative have gotten more and more cloudy and uncertain. Our entire lives felt a bit on hold for the month of April. Will they be with us for another week? For 6 months, a year?
DCFS informed us that they are no longer recommending that the girls go to live with their relative, but that they stay with us. While she is willing to have them, she has hardships that make it extremely difficult for her.
On April 25th the judge was to decide whether they stay with us or with the relative. Matt and I prayed and felt at peace with either decision. If God wants us to have them long term, we will trust that decision. If He wants them to be with their relative, we will trust that decision. When we spoke with the caseworker that afternoon, we found that no decision was made at all. I cried tears of frustration. "God! I was being so flexible!! I said I trusted You either way! That wasn't an invitation to mess with me and go NEITHER way." I was SO frustrated.
Matt and I talked and decided that we were going to plan to have them long term and just "Come What May and Love It"- as Joseph B. Wirthlin used to say.
AS lovely and nice as that sounds, deep down I was kind of pissed. Planning long term meant buying furniture, changing around bedrooms, researching kindergarten, getting swim lessons, making summer plans, arranging for early intervention... While in just a few weeks, the judge could send them to their relative leaving all our efforts and planning to naught.
But that was just posturing anyway. My real concern was our hearts. The girls. My kids. Matt's. Mine.
The longer they are with us, the more we will love them. The more I feel as though I am serving our hearts up on a plate.... As my friend Maranda said yesterday, "I'm still concerned you're going to get your heart broken."
Me too.
BUT... I have had a broken heart before. More than once, in fact. I have seen the Living God heal my heart and in the healing create the MOST AMAZING life for me. Sometimes, it becomes a beautiful heartbreak. That promise brings me peace when the not-knowing comes at me like a crushing wave. I trust Him. He is for me. He is for us. He has called us to this. He will see us through it.
The Sunday after our "no-decision" day, I came to church tired. Physically, mentally, spiritually. I felt as though God keeps asking us to do impossible things.
"Love them like your own and be ready to give them away at any minute."
I came with a prayer in my heart that God would help me see just a little. Help me get some answers: how long? Would they go to their relative next week? Would they go back to their parents? Would the tribe come and take them next month? Or worse.. would we get close to adoption only to have the Tribe swoop in then?
I sat down on the pew with my five little ducklings, weary from getting everyone ready and arriving just in the nick of time. I looked over at the three blonde heads and two brown haired girls and my heart felt so full and achy that I thought I might just need to lie down.
And then- the opening hymn began. I have sung "Lead Kindly Light" dozens of times and never really let the words sink in:
Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene--one step enough for me.
The Spirit washed over me. I am not going to see the distant scene. I will just need to trust Him. We pray that He will guide our every step and that each step will be filled with love.
As the natural woman within me resisted this message, I felt discouraged... How can I do all that is asked of me? And these words from Brad Wilcox came to my mind:
"Grace is not the absence of God's high expectations. It is the presence of God's power."
His grace can enable us to do all that He is asking. His strength will become mine as I submit my weakness to Him. Oh, how I love Him! He is my refuge, my strength and my Hope!
We pray that through this process, these girls can have peace and feel Christ's love for them. We pray that our family, our marriage will become stronger through this process and that we will all grow closer to and more like our Savior. That is our prayer and our hope.
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