Foster Parenting has changed me. It's surreal to look back on the person I was before our amazing adoption journey. This morning, during our Church Christmas party, we listened to "Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant as we watched the nativity play out. I have loved this song for years; have been so moved at the fear and trembling Mary must have experienced as she tried to fulfill the calling God placed upon her.
It made me think of other mothers in the trenches. Other mothers "carrying" children who are partly ours, but partly not. These foster mamas who are giving all they have to their Father in Heaven. Mothers raising children who they may eventually lose only to fulfill God's ultimate plan of redemption. The lyrics brought me to a standstill as I remembered my own journey and thought of your other beautiful warrior mamas battling unknown futures and laying your lives down for His plan:
I have traveled many moonless nights
Cold and weary with a babe inside
And I wonder what I've done
Holy Father, you have come
and chosen me now to carry your son
I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now
Be with me now
Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my Darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are Holy
Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a Wiser one should have had my place?
But I offer all I am
to the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me
Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my Darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are Holy
Mary stands as an example to us all. We parent these precious children, sometimes just for a season, offering our sacrifice to He who knows all. Mary must have wondered what would happen to her precious boy. She must have worried for his future and ached at the thought of her perfect child bearing the sin and grief and weight of all mankind. Mary fulfilled the role of mother regardless of what the future held. And so must you, foster Mama. Just as Our Holy Father held Mary's future, so does He hold the future of our precious foster loves. Carry On, warrior mamas. Let Him hold you together. Let his holiness pour over you as you offer yourself to His children.
The Prince of Peace is asking hard things of you. You are His Hands and His feet and that means you have HIS strength. May you feel His peace as we celebrate His coming. May the children in your home feel His peace through your love. Bless you all.
Two years ago today, God made me a Momma again. It didn't happen in the conventional way, and it was significantly more painful than childbirth. I tell the story of that day: March 30, 2016 in THIS post.
At that time, I wasn't allowed to post pictures of our girls online. I have considered sharing pictures of that day with you... pictures to document the transformation I have been honored to watch over the past two years, but I never felt quite right about it. The week the girls came to us was one of the most traumatic weeks of their little lives. I think back to the most difficult days of my life and wonder if I would want pictures of that day posted on the internet by someone else... I don't know.
I will share just one. One picture from those first few days that still warms my heart when I see it. When the girls were removed, Lanaye (Luna) was desperately ill. She was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and April (Sunshine) was taken to The Christmas Box House. So, just after having been forcibly removed from the only people they knew, our girls were separated from one another. I stayed with Lanaye in the hospital for two days before April was well enough for us to come and get her. Lanaye was angry and frightened and so very sick. She had not smiled one single time in those first 55 hours. She refused to eat or drink... and we were worried that she didn't have the will to fight her illness. I brought April to the hospital to see her and her face LIT UP! She smiled and bounced on Matt's lap and reached for her big sister. Here they are just a few moments later:
Y'all. I cannot look at that picture without my heart bursting wide open. These two sisters have such a special, incredible bond. I thought back to our desire to adopt "one" child.... How grateful I am that God changed our hearts!
While I don't want to exploit those first traumatic days and hours in any way, I will share some pictures of their first month here. Smiling, happy girls- adjusting to life in a home, with their own beds; safe and warm and loved.
I have been pondering all the ways our family has changed in the past two years; as a whole and each of us as individuals. I stand, completely in awe of what God has done. He has healed their bodies and is healing their minds and hearts day by day. He took a family who sat comfortably in abundance and moved us toward pain and hardship. He literally transformed us. Jason Johnson is a Christian Adoptive and Foster Parent who ministers to other Christian Foster Parents. I love his words here about Moving toward the Broken... it's just two minutes!
I see the entire world differently now... these precious girls and their baby sister changed. us.
We most certainly are NOT a finished work. This is not a "happily ever after" story, free from pain or heartache. There will be years of work and effort and tears ahead. But we have seen mighty miracles and we know that He who began a good work in us will be faithful to complete it.
" And now, my beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save. " II Nephi 31:19
This picture makes me grin from ear to ear!
I share this with you today, this Good Friday, for one reason: The Savior of the World did this. He transformed a family. He pulled three babies from brokenness and placed them in safety. He is the Transformer of Lives. I look at these beautiful girls and what safety, love, nurturing and provision did to transform them. This story is a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty little microcosm of what Christ's love does to broken lives. Every single beautiful and painful transformation that took place in our story was powered by the grace of Jesus Christ. He is the hero of our story. And so, on this Easter Weekend, exactly two years after these magnificent girls came roaring into our lives, we want to testify of Him! He Lives!
I bet you could tell me the whole story of the day your child was born; what you were wearing, what you were doing when you realized you were in labor. I have stories for all three of my big kids. Isaac's easy, by-the-book birth; Daphne's dramatic, rushed arrival, seven minutes after the ambulance dropped us at the hospital; Victoria was my breach baby, born by mandatory and traumatic C- section. I can tell you all about the details of those days.
But what if you had no idea? What if you were driving along down the road and a few cities away at exactly 9:01 am, your future daughter was born?
I suppose that is why I have been so preoccupied with the births of our three littlest girls. I can tell you every detail of the days they came to be in our family. (Here and Here) But I have been day dreaming about the days they were born; the days they took their first breaths... What were the rest of us doing?
I foraged through my journals for answers. (This is the moment where I kick myself for not writing more regularly and in more detail.) I have searched my emails, my lesson plans, my Facebook posts to find out what that day was like. How I wish I could go back and know exactly what we were doing! But alas, here is what I have pieced together:
On Tuesday November 02, 2010 at 9:01 am, I was at Weber State University, just beginning my preschool class alongside my student teacher, Susan. We were teaching about Fall that week. I can name a handful of children from that class. Victoria was 2 and a half, so she was down the hall going to her toddler classroom. It was election day- I voted. The Republican Party picked up 63 seats in the House, 6 in the Senate and 29 governorships. I remember watching the news and thinking how fickle we are as a country... two years before we had elected Barack Obama. We change our minds so quickly. Matt and I were having our house appraised. Daphne was in first grade and Isaac was in third grade. A few days before, we had all dressed up as the gang from Scooby Doo for Halloween.
Guess what, Shaggy and Velma?! Your daughter was just born!
And across the valley, at a hospital in Salt Lake City, our daughter was born. She weighed 7 lbs, 1 oz and had a head full of dark hair and the most precious cheeks! She was given a different first name and of course, a different family name. But she was also given the middle name of April. Five years later, she would stand in our kitchen and demand to be called April. And so here she is, our precious April Joy on the day of her birth:
A special shout out to the girls' biological aunt for sending these pictures to me. They are precious treasures!!
And 5 1/2 years later, she came bounding into our lives. I know that those first five years are part of her story. I know some about them that she probably doesn't know or understand yet and she knows things about those years that I will never know or understand. It's all part of her story. But I want you to know, dear April, that you are our family now, too. We love you forever and always and will try to be the parents you deserve and need. When we changed your name, it was first and foremost to honor your wishes. You were insistent that we call you April. We love you, April Joy!
On Thursday, January 23, 2014 at 5:55 pm, Matt and I were rushing around trying to get to Isaac's junior high basketball game. We talked about how we had so much going on I wouldn't be able to cook. I had book club that night. Isaac was in 6th grade, Daphne was in 4th grade and Victoria was in kindergarten! I don't know a whole lot about that day. But I know I shared this video on Facebook:
How amazing is that?! How beautiful that the birth mommy of our girls chose life!? How perfect that when we asked God how we could help these babies, he sent us down this path? I see now that we best support women in crisis pregnancies by showing them love, support and stable adoptive homes for children.
While searching my journals, I found this entry from the week Lanaye was born:
And God was probably like, "Hahaha!! You have three more babies coming, lady!"
My heart warmed to know that the very moment my daughter was born, I was mourning the loss of baby days... I had no idea that thirty minutes away, at a hospital in Salt Lake City, our tiny little Lanaye was born. She was 6 pounds exactly and faced some complications, but had head a head full of luscious dark hair and the sweetest face! Her nose is trademark Naye-Naye- Look at that perfect baby!!
I had to do some detective work to find a baby picture of Lanaye. I tracked down the photography company that took the pictures at the hospital where she was born, provided documentation about our adoption and got to order birth pics of our baby!!
Isaac, Daphne and Tori- just a few weeks after their little sister, Lanaye, was born!
On the morning of January 19th, 2017, I woke to a text message from our caseworker that made my heart leap:
"She had the baby around 5 this morning. :) The dad texted me around 5:30. He said Mom and the baby are doing great." She weighed 6 lbs. 8 oz. and was born with the cord wrapped around her neck and had swallowed meconium. She was whisked away for special care, but was fine and dandy just a few minutes later!
We took the girls to the hospital to meet their baby sister. When we arrived, the bio mom handed Lillie to me and laid down. I took over, letting the girls feed her a bottle, changing her diaper, singing to her and bouncing her. Their bio mom even said to me: "I'd just let you keep her if they'd let me."
Of course, as I shared in THIS post, we didn't bring Lillie home that weekend. Despite the birth parents not being safe enough for April and Lanaye, the State left Lillie in their care for another four months.
Lillie (you had a different name at birth, but it was EXTREMELY similar to Lanaye's and proved to be too tricky for me to keep straight!) We chose to name you after Matt's beautiful grandmother, Lillie Blue Hunter, whose Catawba heritage enabled us to adopt you. Grandma Hunter was full-blooded Catawba Indian, she had a special innocence about her; and something in your face reminds us of her!
Near our adoption date, Matt shared these pictures from Lillie's birth. I got chills when I saw them again- How blessed was I to hold my daughter on the day of her birth?! Last January, we truly had no idea what the future held for our family. We did not fully realize that this was the day our daughter was born. And here we are, one year later... reveling in the gorgeous family that is ours:
I laugh now when I think how I spent the past 2.5 years telling God what our future should be, imagining a different path than the one on which He led us. But although our youngest three joined us through an unconventional and painful method, I wouldn't change a thing. As I mentioned when we first started this journey HERE, sometimes heartbreak is beautiful:
April, Lanaye and Lillie- We cannot begin to express our gratitude and joy at being your parents. We know that the way you joined our family also meant a great loss for you. We hope to always honor your feelings about that; to acknowledge the tremendous loss. We are grateful to your birth parents for choosing to give you life during a dark time in their lives. We are grateful that they chose to bow out and give you a hopeful future rather than dragging all of us through a terrible court battle that would have caused you more pain and just delayed the inevitable. We are grateful that they tried for you. We hurt that their addictions proved too powerful. We thank them for trying; for every tear they wiped, every meal they served, every blanket placed over you... we hurt for you and for them because we know they love you and they wanted to be safe for you. We pray that we will be the parents you deserve; that you will know that you went from wanted to wanted, from loved to loved.
