Nostalgia and The Homeless Shelter

Last week, Sunshine had an appointment for a medical procedure at a hospital down town.  She's been having a  lot of doctor's appointments lately and has seen her bio mom more in the past week than for the past four months. 

Sunshine was a little nervous, so I knelt next to the chair and held her hand.  This is a pretty typical reaction, and I wouldn't mention this except that it was slightly awkward when the bio mom arrived twenty minutes late, breathless, saying, "Well, I made it."  

Well, pin a rose on your nose!! 

No,   I didn't say that.  But I thought it.  

And in truth, it's good that she came.  I'm glad that she is making an effort to be involved.  It just kind of reminded me of when your husband does the dishes or something that you do every day and then acts all proud of himself like he deserves a prize or something. Except that my husband doesn't do that because, well, let's face it: He's married to me and he'd be sorry if he acted like that. Bwahahaha!   Come to think of it, if I mowed the lawn one week, I'd be pretty darn proud of myself... but I digress.  

As we walked out, the bio mom gave Sunshine some cinnamon twists from Taco Bell, a bag of small random happy meal toys from a second hand store called Savers... It was a kind gesture and so sweet that she took time to go and get things for the girls.  

Sunshine, of course, treats these toys as treasures since then.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.  I'll explain that later. 

When Sunshine and I left, I needed, and yes I do mean NEEDED, to stop by Mc Donald's for a coke.  Because if you know me well at all, you know that I love me some Coca Cola.  

This meant that we took a different route home:

We traveled downtown and after several minutes neared a 

park which is known for being a resting place for homeless people. Sunshine's eyes lit up and she said, "Wait a minute! I know this place!  That's our park! " 

She became so alert and excited, pointing to things out the window and exclaiming over each one: "We go to that library!  I go to that Wendy's!"

With every exclamation, she mentioned how near the landmark was to the shelter where they had stayed.  

She then directed me to the shelter because she wanted me to see where she used to sleep.  She knew exactly where to turn and how to get there and said, "But we stayed here when we had a car.  And now we don't"  

As we pulled up at the shelter, Sunshine looked out at the homeless people congregating outside and said, " I know these people!  This is where I used to sleep."

We drove past this long street full of homeless people camping and I asked her if she knew these people and  she said, " No... I know some of them." And then, in the sweetest, most gentle voice you can imagine she said, " I used to love this place."

I looked out the window at the shelter and the people congregating on the street.  My heart was beating so rapidly and I felt sick to my stomach.  I wanted to hug her and protect her from ever knowing the reality of this place and at the same time wanted to say, "You weren't safe here!  This was no place for you! "  But I just listened.  I repeated her words back to her and watched her face and just looked with her.

Her expression turned wistful for a minute and then we turned the corner.  She saw the soup kitchen where they would eat and was bouncing in her seat with excitement.  She said, "That's where we eat.  This was our place.  This is still our place, you know."

Last year, when I went back to Texas, we drove around with our children and saw the two houses I lived in as a child and it was such a funny feeling- nostalgia.  Excitement.  Bitter sweet sensations. It was important to me, not just to see the houses, but to show them to my children.  There's just something about going back... seeing your place.  Miranda Lambert's "House that Built Me", anyone?  

Nostalgia does in fact mean, "a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations."

But the thing is, when you and I and heck, even Miranda go back to our childhood homes, we are going to just that:

Homes.  

Y'all.  It was gut wrenching and sweet and precious and maddening and sickening and so sad all at the same time.  Watching her experience all of those same sweet feelings for... a shelter?  A soup kitchen?  A park full of tents and partially dressed transients?  

 I wanted to hold her and protect her and comfort her.

As we passed the park, she said, "This was our place when ___________ was my dad and ___________ was my mom and _______ was my big sister and _______ was my little sister."  (I can't use their real names!)

And I said, "Yes, you were all there together.  And they are still your family.  I bet it was so neat to see where you stayed together.  I'm so glad you showed me where you slept.  I loved seeing that with you."

And off we went to spend the afternoon at a water park and the evening at a soccer game, playing and laughing and eating together.  

Later that evening, she said, "We should go back to that place again that I showed you."

Sweet precious girl. 

Now, please know that I do not advocate the State removing children from their parents simply because they are homeless.  But there were choices made that caused their homelessness and then there was a deep neglect for them to fail to get care for these sweet girls.  Let us remember that the girls both had drugs in their systems and that it was drug use that led their family to homelessness...

So back to the trinket treasure gifts from the bio mom:
  I have so many thoughts on this subject.  It is important to note that the bio mom has been almost completely absent until the past week or so.  It is also important to know that Sunshine's reaction to seeing her "place" is evidence that she really has no idea how neglected and in danger she really was.  All she knows is that when she was in that place, her family was together.  

It is this sense of loyalty, this sense of belonging to her parents, regardless of how they neglected or abused her, that drives her at this point.  And it is only natural to love your parents.  Sunshine is young enough that she barely understands what drugs are or how dangerous they can be or how very at risk she was.  She just misses her family.

Her big pink room with two beds and every toy imaginable is a poor substitute for the family she has grown up with. Our loving, happy, sober family is wonderful, but... remember when???

And that is why, when she prays at night, she thanks God that her bio mom  gave her cinnamon twists and "new" toys... but she barely notices that we bought her the Ariel costume she has been so excited about for the past month- We buy her everything that she could need and new clothes and new toys and there is rarely much of an afterthought.  

Yet: it is these little offerings from her mother that make it into her conscience, that are mentioned in her precious, genuine prayers at the end of the day, that are cradled and treasured like nothing else.

I do not mention this to sound petty. I am not hurt by this- but I share it  simply to help you see into her sweet mind.  

Is there a part of me that judges bio mom for only giving second hand happy meal toys and cinnamon twists.  And there is another part of me that sees the widow's mite.  There is another part of me that sees myself as a pharisee judging the woman who washes Christ's feet with her hair.  And do you remember what the Savior replied? 

The truth is, I need the Savior's grace and atoning blood just as much as Sunshine's bio mom.  And as much as I would like to wrap myself in superiority for being able to "give" so much to these girls... am I really just a pharisee who isn't giving as much because it's less of a sacrifice?  Maybe. 

And then I found out that the bio mom got a gym membership over the weekend, so I got over it.  

But... in the spirit of being servants of Christ, I am truly trying to pray for their bio parents.  I know, in my heart of hearts, that if they could experience true healing, true recovery and yes, true repentance... THAT would be the best outcome for our girls:

But... we have committed to standing in the gap for them, to be here if they fail, to be here while our girls wait and to be here forever.  "We'll go where you want us to go, dear Lord, we'll be what you want us to be."

It is an impossible feeling to describe: hoping that the bio parents accept Christ's grace and become the parents they need to be... while simultaneously hoping that we can call these girls our daughters forever. Two hopes can exist at the same time. Two things can be true at the same time.  Sometimes, the burden of those two hopes is so heavy that my arms fail me and I cannot hold it all.  But: