Sun, Moon and Star

This is the chapter of our story that explains how Lillie came to be our daughter.  A few things to know when reading: We were still foster parents at the time and thus not allowed to share pictures of our foster children.  We also were not allowed to use their names on the blog. I've added these few pictures at the top in May of 2020.

Lillie Hope- October 2019

Lillie Hope- May 17, 2017

Want to know what it's like having six kids?

When someone sees our family and discovers that we have taken in the infant sister of our foster daughters, they usually make a facial expression that suggests they are concerned for my sanity.  Who, in their right mind, would do such a thing?

Ummmm.... us.  We would.  We did.  We are still the same people you knew before all this started.  Well, actually, we are very different people.  God has changed us so much that it's hard to even recognize some of who we were before.  I remember saying the phrase, "I believe in quality over quantity" in reference to stopping at 3 children.  Sometimes, I climb into my GINORMOUS SUV, exasperated just from getting everyone ready to go and loaded into The Beast (as we like to call our Expedition).  I pause for a minute and look at my reflection in the rear view mirror and say,
 "I have six children."
 The reality of our current family make up shocks me all over again.  Six kids is not for the faint of heart.

But let me tell you how we got here.  If you'd like to know how this whole journey started, I tell that story in this post.  But today's post just explains how we got to 6 and where we go from here.

About five months ago, the biological mom of Sunshine and Luna gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Luna and Sunshine had been having weekly visits with their bio parents and watched as their mom's belly grew and grew.  They returned from each visit brimming with excitement and speculation as to when their baby sister would come.  I kept waiting for Sunshine to ask the obvious question, "Where will the baby live?"

But she never did.

And then the baby was born.  We went to visit her in the hospital.  The girls were ecstatic and cried when we left.

Contrary to all reason and sanity, the State allowed the baby to stay with the biological parents. So, even though Sunshine and Luna weren't safe to return to them, the baby was staying with them.  If you think that such a decision is mind-boggling to you, just imagine explaining it to a 6 year old and a 3 year old.  Now, once you've considered explaining it to small children, imagine that those small children have lived in the aforementioned unsafe family unit and have been told for 9 months that it's not safe to live with their parents right now.  Imagine how Sunshine might feel.  Confused?  Worried?  Anxious?  Jealous?  Angry?  Does she even trust what I am telling her anymore?

I won't go into detail about what the few months following the baby's birth were like for her, but sufficeth to say that it was not a good time.  Sunshine regularly asked me "Who is gonna take care of the baby?"  And "Don't you love the baby?" or "Don't you think the baby is cute?"  Luna would say, "I want to see what happened baby!"

Now for the next 3 1/2 months, the weekly visits to see the biological parents were filled with excitement over seeing baby sister.  Sunshine experienced so much anxiety over the baby's care that I finally had to sit down and say, "Sweetheart.  I don't get to choose where the baby lives.  The Judge chooses that.  But all the helpers are watching the baby and checking on her and if they see that she is unsafe, they will bring her here."  I was hesitant to say any of that, because honestly, I don't trust the system.  I, too, would lay awake and worry about that baby.  Would she be fed, cleaned, cared for?  Would it take harm coming to her before she was removed??

We went into fostering to adopt with the intention of helping Native families and possibly adopting one child.  We already have three kids... we didn't want to get in over our heads.  But our training helped us to understand that the real need is for families who will take sibling groups.  The vast majority of children brought into foster care are sibling groups.  This is a short film that was shown in our training classes and that can give you a glimpse into the life of a foster child and why it is so critical for siblings to stay together.

When the baby was born and stayed with the bio parents, we began to realize that it was growing more and more likely that Sunshine and Luna would eventually be sent back to them as well.  This was a difficult pill to swallow.  I share more about that experience in this post.

As the days progressed toward the girls returning to their parents, we saw many warning signs that suggested this was a NOT a safe plan, but there was no legal recourse, no evidence to show that the parents were not stable or ready.  I continued to pray for them daily, but the struggle of trusting God with the girls' future was very real.

Somehow, peace from the Holy Spirit covered me like a blanket for about a month. As I battled daily to trust God's promises, the permanency review hearing crept closer and closer.  The week before the hearing, our family was busy with end of school year activities, programs and preparations for my preschool graduation.  Matt and I were (and when I say Matt and I, what I mean is Matt) busy scheduling and showing about 20 different people through our rental home and working to get  anew lease signed there. I could feel the frantic pace of our lives creeping into my heart and stealing my peace. As the hearing drew closer, my worry for the girls began to increase exponentially.  I realized that there was a very real chance the girls could go back to their bio parents very soon. 

One particularly challenging day, the fear proved too strong.   Court was in three days and I had no information.  Would the girls be returning to their bio parents?  What was the State recommending?  How were the bio parents doing?  Why won't the caseworker just call me back?!  I had no answers.  The tears escaped at every moment.  Someone asked how I was and I said, "You know... today is rough.  I'm struggling to choose faith over fear, but it is truly a miracle that I don't walk around crying all day every day.  I'll be ok. It's just one of those days."

  Two days later, after multiple attempts to get information from the caseworker, I reached out to our Resource Family Consultant (RFC).  (He is like the caseworker for the foster parents.  He can be really helpful, but also doesn't have much information.) I asked him if he could find anything out for me.  

Thirty minutes later,  as Matt and I were showing a stream of potential renters through our rental home, the RFC texted me back:

"The State is recommending a Trial Home Placement"  
(That is when the children are sent back to the parents on a trial basis- the State stays involved and checks in for about six months)

My heart fell into my stomach.  "How soon might that happen?", I asked

He responded, "It usually happens pretty quickly after court, but it depends on the Judge."

I looked up at Matt with mournful eyes.  I told him and the words still hung in the air like a little conversation bubble over my head as the next renters walked in the house.  They shook our hands and I had to sit down again- it was too much.  The gravity of the situation settled over me like a cloud.  Tonight could be our last night with them.  Maybe a week or two, but what if tonight is the last night? My mind raced over all I wanted to tell them and show them before they left.  The bleak nature of their future sat before me... pitch black.  What would become of them?

I sat there, stunned, watching Matt smile and show people around the house as if our entire universe weren't on fire.  I felt a surge of jealousy at his ability to compartmentalize his emotions. I texted my mom and two very close friends and asked them to pray.  I stood up and followed the happy family around our rental home, tears stinging the corners of my eyes.  Rage began to build in my chest, "Why hadn't the caseworker warned me?!"

Just then my phone rang.  It was the caseworker.  Our RFC must have called her and told her how upset I am about all this.  I answered. "How are you feeling?", she had the audacity to ask.

"Honestly, I'm ticked!  I knew they might be going home soon. I realize that that is part of the reality of this situation, but I can't believe you didn't warn me.  The girls need to be prepared and we deserve to know that this was on the table for this hearing.  I can't even believe this..."  And I went on and on.
I could tell she was trying to interrupt me but I didn't care.  I had to get this out.  I had so much frustration pent up at her from her actions the past few months and it all came spewing out. Finally, she said loudly,

"LAURA. Something has changed.  Something has happened.  We had to remove the baby and we are bringing her to you tonight."

*Pardon me while I pick up my jaw from the ground*

"To us?"

"If you're still ok with that."

"Of course."

Ummmmm.... PLOT TWIST!!

She told me she'd be to my home around 7.  It was just after 5.

And so I texted my peeps, my tribe, my soul sistas that EVERYTHING just changed.  And they went to work.  Within two hours, we had all the essentials for a baby, when we had started with only a crib and two crib sheets.

Matt stayed and finished showings; Matt's mom came over and watched the big kids and fed them dinner while I went shopping and loaded my cart with formula and baby essentials.  Raegan's friend had baby items sitting and waiting to be taken to the thrift store, so Raegan got all of it and brought it to me.  Natalie bought me a baby seat and a mat and my friend Mary brought diapers and my friend Renee brought a bassinet and clothes and wipes. My neighbor Melanie loaned us a baby swing and a baby bouncer, my friend Katrina brought baby clothes and formula.  My dryer was broken and my dear friend Alecia did laundry for me and my visiting teachers brought dinner the next two nights. It was like an army.  Onward, Christian Soldiers! I get tears in my eyes just thinking about all the love that has poured out to us from so many servants of Christ.  I love all you people!!

And just after seven, the caseworker appeared on my doorstep with the most beautiful, cuddly ball of baby. She has chubby cheeks, chubby thighs and a head full of curly black hair. She has eyes that shine like the moon and the sweetest sunshine smile.  Since we call her sisters Sunshine and Luna, we'll call her Baby Star.

Baby Star is so easy and sweet and precious.  She has a darling smile and all of our children are ecstatic to have her with us. We are in Baby Heaven!  Having Baby Star here has completely changed our family for the better.  Sunshine and Luna are like different girls- their anxiety is abated and they adore her. We are amazed at how all of our big kids pitch in and help-  we all fell head over heels for Star the moment we met her.  They fight over who gets to pick her up when she wakes because she usually wakes up cooing and grinning instead of crying.  While we didn't go into this wanting to do Baby Days again, we can't even imagine life without her here!

Our family as of June 2017, illustrated by Victoria, age 9

A week after the baby was removed from the biological parents and placed with us, their bio mom entered rehab.  Finally.  14 months after the older two girls were removed. We were warned that the Judge might just send the girls all to live with her in rehab.  Then we discovered that there is a Navajo aunt who wants the baby, but not the girls.

About this time, I started feeling angry and exhausted.  Seriously!?  After all this, the girls could still go back to them?  What will it do to Sunshine if the aunt takes the baby?  How can I explain to her  that their aunt wants the baby but not Sunshine and Luna?  How do you tell a child that?

I felt weary as I carried this sweet babe into the church building.  I actually had the thought run through my head, "I'm so exhausted of this yo-yo game.  I just want my life back."

About thirty seconds later, I heard Brian Tate read this scripture,

Message Received.  And I remembered why we are doing this.

The next court hearing was miraculous.  After the incident that cause Baby Star to be removed, the judge ruled that the case move toward adoption and that the State will stop offering reunification services to the parents.  That doesn't mean that their parental rights have been terminated, but it means things are heading in that direction.  In addition,  EVERYONE in the room agreed that that all three girls need to be kept together and that removing the baby would be harmful to all the girls.  The Judge ruled that DCFS or the girls' Tribe would need a court order to separate the girls.  This was a huge victory since we were sort of holding our breath to see if the baby would be staying or going.  We are so hopeful.  Unfortunately, as many of you know, because our girls are Native American, this is an ICWA case.  The girls' Tribe gets the final say on whether or not we adopt.  When we first started this, our original caseworker said to me, "The Tribe is never going to let you adopt them."  I contacted an ICWA worker for Utah Foster Care and she said, "Unfortunately, what often happens in cases like this, is that the Tribe allows the child to be fostered by the State because they don't have the resources to do so.  Then, when adoption appears imminent, the Tribe swoops in and removes the children, placing them with an adoptive family in their Tribe."

We are hopeful.  We are grateful that things appear to be concluding so that the girls can have some permanency in their lives.  But we also know this could go either way.

We are headed to court Monday morning, June 26th, where it appears that one or both of the parents will voluntarily relinquish their rights.  If they don't, there will be a trial where the parents will almost certainly lose their rights.

We have no indication of where the girls Tribe stands on this.  We hope to find out at court.  The Biological Parents, The girls' attorney, The State and the girls' extended family all want the girls to stay with us.  It's hard to believe that the Tribe can overrule all of that, but that is where we stand right now.  You can read more about ICWA and how it affects our case HERE.  We do ask you to pray for us.  Pray for the girls, pray for our future, pray for peace to accept what God has planned.  The fact is, if we are able to adopt the girls... it will be a Miracle.

But my God is the God of Miracles.  


I'm just gonna tell you right now:  I am a control freak.  I do not enjoy any activity that involves the loss of control. This includes but is not limited to:
Trampolines,
Swimming or even standing in the ocean,
 watching scary movies,
 allowing my children to eat saltines or popsicles inside my house.
You get the idea...
You would think that when I heard what Foster Care involves, I would run the completely opposite direction.  The amount of control I have is approximately 0%.  It is maddening.  I cannot tell you how many times I have fallen to my knees and cried to God, "I can't."

I have spent hours trying to figure out ways to control the situation, to enact change, to fight for our girls... In some ways, this character trait makes me a tenacious foster parent.  But much of the time, it has been the source of tremendous frustration.  Over the past 15 months that we have had Sunshine and Luna, I have been challenged every day to actually trust God... not just say I trust God, but to actually rest in the belief that God will get this right.

I want to share with you a few songs that have changed my life and my heart during this journey:
My beautiful, faithful prayer warrior mother shared this one with me:

And another one:

I am learning to pray that God's will be done and to cling to Him even when He leaves mountains unmoved.

The truth is that with Isaac, Daphne and Victoria, Matt and I already have the whole world.  Being able to adopt the girls would give us the Sun, Moon and Stars as well.  We hope and pray that whoever cares for our Sun, Moon and Star will keep them safe and let them shine. We are blessed beyond measure and pray for their future and the future of our family, whether it be a party of five or a party of eight... We trust His plan.