This guy, y’all. When he said forever, he meant it. And so did I. This past year has been the hardest of my life and subsequently the hardest of our marriage. It’s amazing how walking through fire can mold us and weld us together stronger than even before. I have cried until I thought all my tears were gone and I have prayed until my knees were numb and I have read and studied until I thought my head might explode. 23 years ago, I made a choice to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Today, I am in the process of transitioning out of that Church I have loved so dearly for half of my life.
A little over a year ago, I began reading a big fat history book and encountered some information regarding the origins of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints that was truly antithetical to the way that I need to worship God and follow Christ. (I will not get into the specifics of those issues here out of respect for all my LDS friends and family) Though I did not realize it at the time, I was thrown into the stages of grief. Shock and Denial permeated my life. I read more and more trying to find a way to disprove the information I had read, but every page I turned uncovered some new and unsettling piece of the puzzle. The betrayal and grief were so deep that I sunk into depression. I reached out to my husband and one trusted friend, saw my doctor and plead with the Lord. After a few months of reading and praying, Matt and I decided I would put away all reading material other than scriptures and conference talks, etc… I read and prayed and journaled and my depression eased some. But the issues sat in a heavy leaden box on a rickety shelf of my soul, threatening to break and destroy my beautiful life.
This past April, a succession of events and revelations pulled my metaphorical shelf out of the wall, ripping out the screws and anchors and the box was shattered into a million dangerous shards. Every breath I took was painful. My depression returned full force, but this time it was accompanied by random panic attacks. Church leaders have sometimes indicated that this grief and depression is caused by a loss of the Holy Spirit. I would like to very clearly state that such comments are hurtful and untrue. Perhaps especially because of my despair, I had some of the most poignant spiritual experiences in my life. But either way, I don't believe in a God who would withdraw His Spirit from someone who is earnestly seeking truth. I realized I had to dive in and study and decide where I stood. After countless hours of prayer and scripture study and journaling and reading and studying and talking to my husband, the truth became painfully clear: I do not belong in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints any longer. This decision has not come lightly. Honestly, I hardly even feel it is a decision. It is more like the facts and the history have forced me to this place. This is not about spiritual laziness or having unrealistic expectations for church leaders. The only real decision was whether to be open about it and live authentically or to pretend. And…. I don’t do pretend. Keeping this under wraps for the past 5-6 months has been detrimental to my health and well-being.
Matt and I have prayed and cried and talked for hours on end... The writing is on the wall: I cannot stay as I have in the past. I hope that I will have a place in this community still, but if I don't, that is a price I will have to pay to be honest and true to my own beliefs and faith in God.
My years in the Church have been beautiful. I learned valuable lessons that have sculpted me into a disciplined wife and mother. I have learned skills for prioritizing my family and for serving others. In this church, I have learned wonderful habits for spiritual growth and have become closer Jesus. The Church has given me so much. I will forever be grateful for those lessons and gifts.
My years in the Church have also been perplexing. I believed, with all my heart, in the truthfulness of the restored gospel. I loved the Church and anyone who really knows me can tell you that when I love something or someone, I give EVERYTHING. And I did so with the Church. I was fiercely loyal to the Church. I shared its message and trusted its leaders and defended it against detractors, some of whom were my dear friends and family. As I look back, I don’t know how I could have given more to the Church. I poured my heart and soul into this Church because it was my way of following and serving God. In return, this Church has broken my heart. I have been devastated and broken for the past year.
So, you will see that my relationship with the Church is changing. My relationship to religion and churches in general is changing. I am sure it will be tempting for some to read this and assume this means I am running back to evangelical Christianity. My faith transition has opened my eyes to the boxes we all place God in; we want so much to hold to the idea that WE have the correct understanding of God. But what if God will speak to you whenever, wherever, and however you will listen? What if He is bigger than all of our boxes? As Richard Rohr says, “God is always bigger than the boxes we build for God, so we should not waste too much time protecting the boxes.”
I choose love. I choose love and radical acceptance of my evangelical friends and family and their way of following Christ. I choose love and radical acceptance of my LDS friends and family and their way of following Jesus. I choose love. “When I think someone ought to be more loving, it’s usually me.” Bob Goff
So, if you are an active, believing member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I love you. I respect you and your beliefs. I no longer share many of those beliefs but I am still here and I still love you. I have no desire to pull you away from the Church you love and that brings you peace. If you have questions, please ask me. I am an open book. I am cautious about getting into the issues because every one has a right to their own journey and when, how or if they confront this difficult information.
To my Evangelical Christian friends: I love you. This is not a call to arms. I have seen and participated in much hate on both sides of this debate. Having been in both worlds I can tell you with certainty, there are true, authentic followers of Jesus in both communities. There are people laying their lives down to God and serving and following Him in both church communities. Please, please, please… LOVE your Mormon friends. You do not need to believe as they do to love them.
To my atheist/non-believing friends: I think I am really starting to see you now. I see how and why you may have come to the conclusions you have come to. I respect you and I love you. I see goodness and selflessness in you. I am grateful for all you give to love others and to accept them and to teach us how to break down the walls of religion that are creating division and hate instead of love.
This idea of building bridges between faith groups and belief systems is something we are doing in our home each day. We love each other and we respect one another’s beliefs. That doesn’t mean we never challenge those beliefs, but it does mean we respect each other’s spiritual journeys. Everyone deserves time, space and respect as they travel along in life.
Matt and I did a thing. The Marriage on a Tightrope podcast was like a lifeboat when we both felt we were drowning in the tsunami of my faith transition. It is a podcast that focuses on support for marriages where one spouse has experienced a shift in spiritual or religious beliefs. By some beautiful providence, Matt and I chose Grow as We Go as our new song and later learned that it also happens to be the current theme song for the MOAT podcast:
“You won't be the only one I am unfinished, I've got so much left to learn. I don't know how this river runs, But I'd like the company through every twist and turn. Who said it's true That the growing only happens on your own? They don't know me and you. You don't ever have to leave If to change is what you need; You can change right next to me. When you're high, I'll take the lows You can ebb and I can flow. And we'll take it slow And grow as we go.”
This journey has been a refiner's fire, but I can honestly say that I am so grateful to be married to this man and that I look forward to eternity with him. So, if you'd like to hear more of our story (than this painfully long post already shares), listen to parts 1 and 2 here:
Marriage on a Tightrope Episode 109-laura-and-matt-hunter-part-1/
Marriage on a Tightrope.org/2021/10/marriage-on-a-tightrope-110-laura-and-matt-hunter-part-2/
FAQs:
- What about your husband and children?
I can truly say that this experience has brought us closer together and taught me things about marriage I never knew or understood before. We are learning to love each other fully, completely and without pretense. Matt has been an amazing support and comfort through the grief of the past year. This entire process has been deeply painful for him and I am humbled and honored to have his continued support. He has not gone through the same process I have and is staying in the LDS church. I love him and support him in that. Because of that, I will often attend our ward with my family. Please feel free to listen to the attached podcast for more about our story and how we have processed all this together. My children will attend church much of the time, but eventually they will attend other churches with me as well. Most importantly, they will be given the freedom to choose how to pursue their own relationship with God and we do not want them to be treated like missionary projects. Love them, invite them, but please don’t try to “save” them. We teach of and testify of Jesus and love in our home. We read scriptures together, we pray together and we share with them our beliefs and we will give them the freedom to learn and choose and grow.
- What about your son on a mission?
I am bursting with pride over my son and his choice to serve a mission. He is putting his entire life on hold for two years and giving his all to share Jesus with others, to serve others and to love others. He has wanted to serve a mission his entire life and I choose to support him and love him. He is growing so much spiritually and personally. If you see a missionary on the street or on your doorstep, BE KIND. Buy them a lemonade. They live on the CHEAP. These are beautiful human beings giving service and sharing what they believe for two years, and one of them happens to mine. Don’t want to hear their message? No problem. You can still BE KIND.
- What DO you believe now?
Well, I am learning to be VERY comfortable with the words, “I don’t know.” There is so much I don’t know about the Bible and its historicity, but I am studying and learning more about the Bible every day. Despite what I don’t know or understand, I DO believe in Christ. I do believe in His grace and His mercy and His teachings. Every day, I am embracing God’s love for me more fully and without any restrictions or qualifications. I feel a little more of His peace every day and I am excited for what the future brings.
- Why am I sharing this publicly?
A few reasons:
- I have been outspoken and perhaps even zealous in sharing my belief in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in the past. I have shared those beliefs here on social media and elsewhere. It felt wrong to walk away quietly without explanation. Sharing that I have had a change in belief seems like a way to maintain my integrity and live authentically. I am owning my story, warts and all.
- I know people will talk and come up with a variety of explanations for why I am transitioning away from the church. I can’t control what others think of me or what kinds of speculations they spread to others. This is one moment where you can hear my story from me. (As previously mentioned, if you have more specific questions, I am totally willing to answer those.) I am an open book, but I am not on a mission to lead others out of the LDS church. It is a beautiful faith community filled with lovely people who genuinely want to come closer to God.
- I now know there are thousands upon thousands of people who have been through an experience like the one I describe above. For all those thousands of individuals, I have never once seen someone openly acknowledge a faith crisis or faith shift publicly (at least in my sphere of friends and followers and church friends). I hope to share my story to remove some of the stigma and shame, even infinitesimally.
1 comment:
I just went back and found this. I wish I'd seen it when you posted it - because I wish you all the best in your journey. My love to you! ❤
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