Moving Mountains

I write this post, standing here, completely in awe of the miracles that God has bestowed on our family the past few months.  Really, the past two years.  Honestly, I should have written this post a few weeks ago, but I have been of little faith.  After this past miracle, I have waited and waited for evidence of said miracle.  I wanted to touch and see, doubting Thomas that I am.  I am desperate for these girls to have a sense of permanency, of forever.  I am weary of waiting.  It has been a long journey.  588 days, to be exact.  If you are wondering how we got started fostering, please read THIS.  If you are wondering about our journey with our beautiful girls, start HERE. 

Let me go back a little to explain ... Because Matt is 1/4 Catawba Indian, we are considered an ICWA foster home.  ICWA stands for Indian Child Welfare Act.  If you want more info on that, you can read this or this. So, if a Native American child is place in foster care, placements are considered in this order:

(1) A member of the Indian childs extended family;

(2) Other members of the Indian childs tribe; or

(3) Other Indian families.


In other words, adopting a Native child is NOT easy.  If you don't believe it, just google ICWA adoption cases.  It's UGLY.  OOGLY.  

We were particularly discouraged by the words of Sandy Red Hawk who spoke at the Utah Indian Child Welfare Conference we recently attended.  She said that  Modern day adoptions of Native children are just as harmful as was the forcible removal of Native Children during the boarding school era, fifty years ago. We listened to her speak for over an hour, explaining why children are better with drug addict Native parents than with adoptive families. It was hurtful and nauseating.  

Because our girls are Navajo and Matt is Catawba, we barely squeak through as a valid placement. In addition, even after all of the legal craziness, the Tribe has to consent to us adopting them.  Before we got the girls, I spoke with the ICWA coordinator for the our region of Utah Foster Care and she warned me that Tribes are notorious for allowing a child to be fostered by the State and then swooping in just as adoption is looking possible and taking custody of the child.  We have lived the past 588 days knowing that this was a very real, very likely possibility. I'd like to say that I have handled it with grace and patience, but that simply isn't true.  Many nights I have allowed anxiety and "what ifs" to steal my joy.

Despite my ridiculous worrisome nature, God has blessed me SO. MANY. FREAKING. TIMES. with a tender mercy that lifted my gaze to Him; to His purposes; to His timeline.

This quote from D. Todd Christofferson has brought me peace and perspective through this last leg of the journey:

  "In short, to “always remember Christ” means that we do not live our lives in fear. We know that challenges, disappointments, and sorrows will come to each of us in different ways, but we also know that in the end, because of our divine Advocate, all things can be made to work together for our good. When we always remember the Savior, we can “cheerfully do all things that lie in our power,” confident that His power and love for us will see us through."

When I read those words, I realized that when I worry about the future of the girls, about what might happen to prevent our adoption, about whether or not I am capable of parenting SIX CHILDREN... I am not remembering my Savior.  I have made a covenant to always remember Him and to stand as His witness at all times and in all things and in all places.  What the heck kind of witness is a weepy worrywart?!

Yet, I live in a cycle of doubt and faith and fear and trust.  When I wake up with the baby in the middle of the night, my rational, faith-filled brain does not work.  I begin to rock the baby and my brain immediately thinks of what could go wrong and prevent us adopting the girls.  If it doesn't think of those things, my brain reminds me of all the reasons I failed as a mom that day, or all the ways my kids aren't perfect and then how those imperfections are probably my fault.  You see how there's no winning in this, right?!  I wake up in the morning and God inevitably refreshes my faith through scripture or word or prayer.  But it's a struggle to trust Him, y'all.  Who knew trust could be so hard? 

Anyway, Monday, October 16th, right after 5, the DCFS caseworker told me that she finally heard back from the Tribe. Thankfully the Navajo worker, seemed ok with the idea of adoption, but would have to come and visit our home first to determine if she approved of US adopting the girls.  She was thinking of coming the first week of November.  

Honestly, this made me SOO nervous!  What if we are too white and she says no?  I hear the words of our first caseworker in my head, " The Tribe is NEVER going to let you adopt them, Laura."

Also, that means that even IF the court assigns a date for adoption, we won't know if it's really going to happen until she signs off on it.  

We spoke with our attorney and he verified that this is a requirement, that the visit has to be positive and prove that we will keep the girls connected to their culture, and that the Navajo Caseworker has to give consent to adopt.   

I called the Navajo Caseworker on Tuesday, October 16th to discuss scheduling the visit.  She was VERY non-committal about a date.  She mentioned coming November 1, 2, or 3 and then said maybe the 9th or 10th of November.... She is a ten hour drive from us and would need to make a travel request to fly in.  Delay, delay.... Inside, I'm thinking, we are never going to get an adoption date if she can't figure out when to come...  And what if her travel request is denied? 

I made it clear we would do whatever we could to accommodate her and for her to just let me know when as soon as possible.  (knowing that this woman has not communicated with anyone from our case since June!!)  I asked if she had any further questions and she said,  "Well, can you tell me what you are doing to keep the girls connected to their culture?"

I explained that we have worked hard to keep the girls connected to their maternal grandmother, who keeps me informed of Navajo traditions and practices.  I explained that their grandmother was willing to help us so that they could have their kinaalda (which is a Navajo coming of age ceremony that lasts several days)  I told her about all the Pow wows and Navajo books and the Pow wow dance class Sunshine took this summer and the Navajo Language class that Tori and Sunshine are enrolled in.  I made it clear that I cannot read Navajo and find it difficult to learn, but the girls are really enjoying learning it.  

And then, she said, "You know, It's clear that the girls are thriving in your home.  I am so happy with all you are doing, especially your efforts to keep them connected to their grandmother, so I don't think I need to visit.  Yeah, I'm not going to visit.  I'm going to go ahead and write the letter of consent.  You should have it by the end of the week or early next week."  

Y'all.  

Tears.  I can't begin to explain the joy and gratitude in my heart!! Matt and I stared at each other in disbelief.   

Tears.

The relief that flooded through my body... I still can't believe it sometimes.

And then .... we waited.  Waited for our court date.  Waited for the letter from November .  

And then on October 25th, we finally got this:

I can't even explain to you the joy in my heart at the sight of those words. We are over the moon!
I shared the song at the beginning of this post because I have been listening to it on repeat since my conversation with the Tribal Caseworker... the words speak my heart better than I could ever blog them to you:

"And now I'm standing here, with heart so full I can't explain; seeking faith and speaking words I never thought I'd say...":

We Are Adopting Our Girls.

We are still waiting for the letter from the Tribe.  I'm not going to lie.  I have been on that Tribal Caseworker like white on rice.  I am stalking her like any obsessive adoptive mother who has been waiting 588 days for this!!!  I have spoken with her and I will keep calling her but it is STILL not in my hands. But I'm not waiting to post about this miracle anymore.  I know God is going to make this happen.   It might be November 15th, it might be December 15th... But

"We are not afraid... although we know there's much to fear:
We were moving mountains long before we knew we could."

Walking through Fire

In November 2015, 2 years ago, we became licensed Foster Parents.  

On March 30, 2016, 18 months ago, two of the most amazing children on this planet came to live in our home.  You can read all about that here. 

4 months ago, their baby sister joined our family. You can read all about that here. 

Every time we go to court for these girls, I am sick.  It is anxiety that comes out in my pores, I tell you.  You can read more about that here. (as if anyone wants to hear more about anxiety oozing out of my pores- ick!  It's actually about our whole first year with the girls!)
3 months ago, after realizing he had lost all chances at regaining custody, their biological father voluntarily relinquished his rights.  And here we are, three months later and headed to our FIFTH court date in regard to the rights of the biological mother. 

Last week, we found out that the girls were going to have a visit with their bio mom the next day (after months of no visits).  All reason would suggest that I should be irritated, filled with dread, and frustrated by this.  This is a woman who is openly using, who has shown up to visit her children only once in the previous three months and whose visits leave our girls confused, upset, and acting out for days following.  A woman who could be kind to me one minute, then turn around and be hostile and physically and verbally threatening the next day. I can only imagine how painful and distressing this experience is for her, and when drugs and mental illness are factored in, emotions are only escalated. All that considered, this is a woman who is an image-bearer of the divine.  A woman for whom Christ laid down His life.  All reason should suggest I be full of anxiety. But that same Christ was with me as well. That same Christ holding me holds their birth mother and our daughters in His hands. When I heard about the visit, calm settled over my body.  This peace was contrary to all reason;  a calm that comes only from the Holy Spirit; "the peace of God, which passeth all understanding"... We felt an impression from the Lord that this visit would serve to convince the bio mom that all three of the girls belong together and with our family.  I felt a surety and a sense of purpose as I prepared them for the visit.  I felt a distinct prompting that this visit might be an opportunity for the bio mom to see how healthy and happy the girls are with us... so we brought our entire family.  We played at the park, went to a Fairytale Festival and had a yummy dinner.  When life throws you lemons, make lemonade!

(I wasn't allowed to post pictures of the girls at the time, so I added these after the fact.)

 The above pic is from the next day, but at least you can see everyone! 

Likewise, as we went to court today, I have never felt so calm leading up to a court hearing.  (Court Hearings usually stress me to the point I am physically ill.) We knew the bio mother was running out of options, but there were many possibilities: She could fight the charges against her, she could try to force that the baby be sent to her sister, The Tribe could try to intervene and move the children to a Navajo family... I was prepared for all outcomes. I recalled having recently told our children the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  As I prayed and pondered our court hearing the next day, I felt drawn to read in Daniel 3:15-18:

"..fall down and worship the image which I have made; well: but if ye worship not, ye shall be cast the same hour into the midst of a burning fiery furnace; and who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?

 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego, answered and said to the king, O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter.

 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.

 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.."

I read those words with our children this morning and as we prayed, we remembered that God does not always answer our prayers in the ways we think are best, but God answers them in the way that is best for us.  

So we prayed over this hearing:

These two quotes from C.S. Lewis that seemed to encapsulate so much of our struggle:

I think that I walked into court calm today because I knew that God would be breaking my heart.  I knew that either ending of this hearing would break my heart in some way.  It has taken me over a year to understand that truth, and perhaps I will blog about it one day, but for now, suffice to say that I know God has a plan for our family and either path we take from here will not be easy or free from heartache.  I know which path I want, but I was finally able to lay my heart down and say, "Here.  Take it.  Do what you have to do.  Make me Thy servant in whatever way You see fit. "

Once we got to the courthouse, Matt and I both felt nervous and anxious to have answers.  We were praying for a miracle:

Miracle number 1:

The girls' bio mother went into court with a petition to voluntarily relinquish her rights today...

She. signed. it!!! The judge was concerned that she may not completely understand what she was doing.  After a very long, tense, redundant exchange between the judge and the girls' biological mother, the Judge signed off on her relinquishment!!!  It is impossible to explain what a miracle this is without over-sharing, so please trust me when I tell you this was a miracle! This was such a tragic, miraculous and beautiful experience!! But it was absolutely in the best interest of our girls. We are both heartbroken for the bio mom and rejoicing for the bright future ahead of Sunshine, Luna and Star. 

Miracle number 2: 

The biological mother stated, on the record, that she wanted ALL THREE GIRLS TO STAY TOGETHER AND WITH OUR FAMILY!!  If you have followed along with us, this has been a huge concern and question! 

The Caseworker from DCFS testified that the girls are all three bonded to us and that it would be detrimental and disruptive to remove them from our home.  

The girls' attorney then asked the judge to certify that by clear and convincing evidence it would be detrimental and disruptive for the girls to be removed from our home.  And he did.  

The Tribe still has the ability to come forward and fight our adoption of the girls, but with all of that on the record, it would be a steep uphill climb!!

Then the judge turned to us and thanked us.  He said that what we are doing is a miracle.  And I ugly cried.  Because this is all a miracle.  The last 18 months have been a fiery furnace but God has been with us every step of the way.  Even when I yelled and railed at God. Even when I doubted and questioned every decision. Christ has stood with us; Christ has been with us in every moment.  

If you have prayed for us at any time and in any way, thank you!  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.  Our journey is not over, but this was both a tragic loss for our girls and a huge victory for their future. We still have to get through the tribe, and it will be months before we can adopt, but we are so, so hopeful!! 

Sun, Moon and Star

This is the chapter of our story that explains how Lillie came to be our daughter.  A few things to know when reading: We were still foster parents at the time and thus not allowed to share pictures of our foster children.  We also were not allowed to use their names on the blog. I've added these few pictures at the top in May of 2020.

Lillie Hope- October 2019

Lillie Hope- May 17, 2017

Want to know what it's like having six kids?

When someone sees our family and discovers that we have taken in the infant sister of our foster daughters, they usually make a facial expression that suggests they are concerned for my sanity.  Who, in their right mind, would do such a thing?

Ummmm.... us.  We would.  We did.  We are still the same people you knew before all this started.  Well, actually, we are very different people.  God has changed us so much that it's hard to even recognize some of who we were before.  I remember saying the phrase, "I believe in quality over quantity" in reference to stopping at 3 children.  Sometimes, I climb into my GINORMOUS SUV, exasperated just from getting everyone ready to go and loaded into The Beast (as we like to call our Expedition).  I pause for a minute and look at my reflection in the rear view mirror and say,
 "I have six children."
 The reality of our current family make up shocks me all over again.  Six kids is not for the faint of heart.

But let me tell you how we got here.  If you'd like to know how this whole journey started, I tell that story in this post.  But today's post just explains how we got to 6 and where we go from here.

About five months ago, the biological mom of Sunshine and Luna gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Luna and Sunshine had been having weekly visits with their bio parents and watched as their mom's belly grew and grew.  They returned from each visit brimming with excitement and speculation as to when their baby sister would come.  I kept waiting for Sunshine to ask the obvious question, "Where will the baby live?"

But she never did.

And then the baby was born.  We went to visit her in the hospital.  The girls were ecstatic and cried when we left.

Contrary to all reason and sanity, the State allowed the baby to stay with the biological parents. So, even though Sunshine and Luna weren't safe to return to them, the baby was staying with them.  If you think that such a decision is mind-boggling to you, just imagine explaining it to a 6 year old and a 3 year old.  Now, once you've considered explaining it to small children, imagine that those small children have lived in the aforementioned unsafe family unit and have been told for 9 months that it's not safe to live with their parents right now.  Imagine how Sunshine might feel.  Confused?  Worried?  Anxious?  Jealous?  Angry?  Does she even trust what I am telling her anymore?

I won't go into detail about what the few months following the baby's birth were like for her, but sufficeth to say that it was not a good time.  Sunshine regularly asked me "Who is gonna take care of the baby?"  And "Don't you love the baby?" or "Don't you think the baby is cute?"  Luna would say, "I want to see what happened baby!"

Now for the next 3 1/2 months, the weekly visits to see the biological parents were filled with excitement over seeing baby sister.  Sunshine experienced so much anxiety over the baby's care that I finally had to sit down and say, "Sweetheart.  I don't get to choose where the baby lives.  The Judge chooses that.  But all the helpers are watching the baby and checking on her and if they see that she is unsafe, they will bring her here."  I was hesitant to say any of that, because honestly, I don't trust the system.  I, too, would lay awake and worry about that baby.  Would she be fed, cleaned, cared for?  Would it take harm coming to her before she was removed??

We went into fostering to adopt with the intention of helping Native families and possibly adopting one child.  We already have three kids... we didn't want to get in over our heads.  But our training helped us to understand that the real need is for families who will take sibling groups.  The vast majority of children brought into foster care are sibling groups.  This is a short film that was shown in our training classes and that can give you a glimpse into the life of a foster child and why it is so critical for siblings to stay together.

When the baby was born and stayed with the bio parents, we began to realize that it was growing more and more likely that Sunshine and Luna would eventually be sent back to them as well.  This was a difficult pill to swallow.  I share more about that experience in this post.

As the days progressed toward the girls returning to their parents, we saw many warning signs that suggested this was a NOT a safe plan, but there was no legal recourse, no evidence to show that the parents were not stable or ready.  I continued to pray for them daily, but the struggle of trusting God with the girls' future was very real.

Somehow, peace from the Holy Spirit covered me like a blanket for about a month. As I battled daily to trust God's promises, the permanency review hearing crept closer and closer.  The week before the hearing, our family was busy with end of school year activities, programs and preparations for my preschool graduation.  Matt and I were (and when I say Matt and I, what I mean is Matt) busy scheduling and showing about 20 different people through our rental home and working to get  anew lease signed there. I could feel the frantic pace of our lives creeping into my heart and stealing my peace. As the hearing drew closer, my worry for the girls began to increase exponentially.  I realized that there was a very real chance the girls could go back to their bio parents very soon. 

One particularly challenging day, the fear proved too strong.   Court was in three days and I had no information.  Would the girls be returning to their bio parents?  What was the State recommending?  How were the bio parents doing?  Why won't the caseworker just call me back?!  I had no answers.  The tears escaped at every moment.  Someone asked how I was and I said, "You know... today is rough.  I'm struggling to choose faith over fear, but it is truly a miracle that I don't walk around crying all day every day.  I'll be ok. It's just one of those days."

  Two days later, after multiple attempts to get information from the caseworker, I reached out to our Resource Family Consultant (RFC).  (He is like the caseworker for the foster parents.  He can be really helpful, but also doesn't have much information.) I asked him if he could find anything out for me.  

Thirty minutes later,  as Matt and I were showing a stream of potential renters through our rental home, the RFC texted me back:

"The State is recommending a Trial Home Placement"  
(That is when the children are sent back to the parents on a trial basis- the State stays involved and checks in for about six months)

My heart fell into my stomach.  "How soon might that happen?", I asked

He responded, "It usually happens pretty quickly after court, but it depends on the Judge."

I looked up at Matt with mournful eyes.  I told him and the words still hung in the air like a little conversation bubble over my head as the next renters walked in the house.  They shook our hands and I had to sit down again- it was too much.  The gravity of the situation settled over me like a cloud.  Tonight could be our last night with them.  Maybe a week or two, but what if tonight is the last night? My mind raced over all I wanted to tell them and show them before they left.  The bleak nature of their future sat before me... pitch black.  What would become of them?

I sat there, stunned, watching Matt smile and show people around the house as if our entire universe weren't on fire.  I felt a surge of jealousy at his ability to compartmentalize his emotions. I texted my mom and two very close friends and asked them to pray.  I stood up and followed the happy family around our rental home, tears stinging the corners of my eyes.  Rage began to build in my chest, "Why hadn't the caseworker warned me?!"

Just then my phone rang.  It was the caseworker.  Our RFC must have called her and told her how upset I am about all this.  I answered. "How are you feeling?", she had the audacity to ask.

"Honestly, I'm ticked!  I knew they might be going home soon. I realize that that is part of the reality of this situation, but I can't believe you didn't warn me.  The girls need to be prepared and we deserve to know that this was on the table for this hearing.  I can't even believe this..."  And I went on and on.
I could tell she was trying to interrupt me but I didn't care.  I had to get this out.  I had so much frustration pent up at her from her actions the past few months and it all came spewing out. Finally, she said loudly,

"LAURA. Something has changed.  Something has happened.  We had to remove the baby and we are bringing her to you tonight."

*Pardon me while I pick up my jaw from the ground*

"To us?"

"If you're still ok with that."

"Of course."

Ummmmm.... PLOT TWIST!!

She told me she'd be to my home around 7.  It was just after 5.

And so I texted my peeps, my tribe, my soul sistas that EVERYTHING just changed.  And they went to work.  Within two hours, we had all the essentials for a baby, when we had started with only a crib and two crib sheets.

Matt stayed and finished showings; Matt's mom came over and watched the big kids and fed them dinner while I went shopping and loaded my cart with formula and baby essentials.  Raegan's friend had baby items sitting and waiting to be taken to the thrift store, so Raegan got all of it and brought it to me.  Natalie bought me a baby seat and a mat and my friend Mary brought diapers and my friend Renee brought a bassinet and clothes and wipes. My neighbor Melanie loaned us a baby swing and a baby bouncer, my friend Katrina brought baby clothes and formula.  My dryer was broken and my dear friend Alecia did laundry for me and my visiting teachers brought dinner the next two nights. It was like an army.  Onward, Christian Soldiers! I get tears in my eyes just thinking about all the love that has poured out to us from so many servants of Christ.  I love all you people!!

And just after seven, the caseworker appeared on my doorstep with the most beautiful, cuddly ball of baby. She has chubby cheeks, chubby thighs and a head full of curly black hair. She has eyes that shine like the moon and the sweetest sunshine smile.  Since we call her sisters Sunshine and Luna, we'll call her Baby Star.

Baby Star is so easy and sweet and precious.  She has a darling smile and all of our children are ecstatic to have her with us. We are in Baby Heaven!  Having Baby Star here has completely changed our family for the better.  Sunshine and Luna are like different girls- their anxiety is abated and they adore her. We are amazed at how all of our big kids pitch in and help-  we all fell head over heels for Star the moment we met her.  They fight over who gets to pick her up when she wakes because she usually wakes up cooing and grinning instead of crying.  While we didn't go into this wanting to do Baby Days again, we can't even imagine life without her here!

Our family as of June 2017, illustrated by Victoria, age 9

A week after the baby was removed from the biological parents and placed with us, their bio mom entered rehab.  Finally.  14 months after the older two girls were removed. We were warned that the Judge might just send the girls all to live with her in rehab.  Then we discovered that there is a Navajo aunt who wants the baby, but not the girls.

About this time, I started feeling angry and exhausted.  Seriously!?  After all this, the girls could still go back to them?  What will it do to Sunshine if the aunt takes the baby?  How can I explain to her  that their aunt wants the baby but not Sunshine and Luna?  How do you tell a child that?

I felt weary as I carried this sweet babe into the church building.  I actually had the thought run through my head, "I'm so exhausted of this yo-yo game.  I just want my life back."

About thirty seconds later, I heard Brian Tate read this scripture,

Message Received.  And I remembered why we are doing this.

The next court hearing was miraculous.  After the incident that cause Baby Star to be removed, the judge ruled that the case move toward adoption and that the State will stop offering reunification services to the parents.  That doesn't mean that their parental rights have been terminated, but it means things are heading in that direction.  In addition,  EVERYONE in the room agreed that that all three girls need to be kept together and that removing the baby would be harmful to all the girls.  The Judge ruled that DCFS or the girls' Tribe would need a court order to separate the girls.  This was a huge victory since we were sort of holding our breath to see if the baby would be staying or going.  We are so hopeful.  Unfortunately, as many of you know, because our girls are Native American, this is an ICWA case.  The girls' Tribe gets the final say on whether or not we adopt.  When we first started this, our original caseworker said to me, "The Tribe is never going to let you adopt them."  I contacted an ICWA worker for Utah Foster Care and she said, "Unfortunately, what often happens in cases like this, is that the Tribe allows the child to be fostered by the State because they don't have the resources to do so.  Then, when adoption appears imminent, the Tribe swoops in and removes the children, placing them with an adoptive family in their Tribe."

We are hopeful.  We are grateful that things appear to be concluding so that the girls can have some permanency in their lives.  But we also know this could go either way.

We are headed to court Monday morning, June 26th, where it appears that one or both of the parents will voluntarily relinquish their rights.  If they don't, there will be a trial where the parents will almost certainly lose their rights.

We have no indication of where the girls Tribe stands on this.  We hope to find out at court.  The Biological Parents, The girls' attorney, The State and the girls' extended family all want the girls to stay with us.  It's hard to believe that the Tribe can overrule all of that, but that is where we stand right now.  You can read more about ICWA and how it affects our case HERE.  We do ask you to pray for us.  Pray for the girls, pray for our future, pray for peace to accept what God has planned.  The fact is, if we are able to adopt the girls... it will be a Miracle.

But my God is the God of Miracles.  


I'm just gonna tell you right now:  I am a control freak.  I do not enjoy any activity that involves the loss of control. This includes but is not limited to:
Trampolines,
Swimming or even standing in the ocean,
 watching scary movies,
 allowing my children to eat saltines or popsicles inside my house.
You get the idea...
You would think that when I heard what Foster Care involves, I would run the completely opposite direction.  The amount of control I have is approximately 0%.  It is maddening.  I cannot tell you how many times I have fallen to my knees and cried to God, "I can't."

I have spent hours trying to figure out ways to control the situation, to enact change, to fight for our girls... In some ways, this character trait makes me a tenacious foster parent.  But much of the time, it has been the source of tremendous frustration.  Over the past 15 months that we have had Sunshine and Luna, I have been challenged every day to actually trust God... not just say I trust God, but to actually rest in the belief that God will get this right.

I want to share with you a few songs that have changed my life and my heart during this journey:
My beautiful, faithful prayer warrior mother shared this one with me:

And another one:

I am learning to pray that God's will be done and to cling to Him even when He leaves mountains unmoved.

The truth is that with Isaac, Daphne and Victoria, Matt and I already have the whole world.  Being able to adopt the girls would give us the Sun, Moon and Stars as well.  We hope and pray that whoever cares for our Sun, Moon and Star will keep them safe and let them shine. We are blessed beyond measure and pray for their future and the future of our family, whether it be a party of five or a party of eight... We trust His plan.

A Year of Miracles

It is General Conference Weekend...Always a time for reflection and respite. I can't help but think back to exactly one year ago when I watched General Conference from a hospital room and I held a frightened, angry, and wheezing little two year old girl in my lap.  She refused to smile or even make eye contact with me. She refused to walk, was unable to talk or eat.  You can read more about that here. Tonight, exactly one year later, we ate dinner at Cafe Rio and she smiled her cheesy grin and announced, "Loook Mommy! I eat my food all gone!" At bed time, I had to pull her sweet, chubby hands from around my neck as she declared, "MY mommy! You MY mommy FOeveh!"  I sang to her and kissed her and she rubbed my cheek.
One year ago, I sang to a precious little five year old and tucked her in bed as tears poured down her cheeks. She looked up at me and asked, "Who will get my parents out of jail?" I didn't know how to answer that question, so I held her as she cried. We tried to calm her fears and help her sleep.  She woke 6-7 times each night: afraid, unsure of us, away from the only family she ever knew. Tonight, one year later, I sang a lullaby to her as I stroked her cheek and she smiled as she nuzzled into my neck.  As I left the room, she called out, "Check on me in a little bit!"; the same words we've said to each other every night for the past year.
What was once a plea called out in fear is now a comforting bedtime ritual. She will sleep peacefully through the night.

Amazing what  a difference a year makes, isn't it?

Although... I have seen too much to call this merely the effect of "progress" or "time."
The truth is that this change is A Miracle.

We have witnessed so many miracles this past year.  When I say miracles, I don't mean "coincidences", or "amazing progress" or "nice things happening".  I mean that God reached down and changed us; changed them; changed our story.  He is writing our story with "mercy's pen" and we are humbled to stand in awe and watch.

I wish so much that I could tell you each and every miracle we have witnessed in these beautiful girls.  So much of that is really their story to tell, though.  I probably haven't always respected that as much as I should.  I went to write this blog post four different times and the words just wouldn't come.  I think God was nudging me to respect their privacy.

I can tell you that I have watched God change our three big kids into truly amazing servants.  We have watched them give their toys, rooms, belongings, love, time and attention to their little sisters.  They have become less self-centered, more aware of the needs of our community, more concerned for the plight of orphans in our world.  They are becoming such amazing little humans and God is using this experience to make them into His servants.

 Please don't get me wrong- they have truly become siblings...  They fight and bicker and compete and tease. Most days, I fall into bed and think that if I have to resolve one more argument I might just spontaneously combust..

But even that is a miracle, really; the fact that these sweet girls have become real sisters to our three big kids.

Many of the miracles I have witnessed aren't really my stories to tell, so I will share with you the miracles that have occurred in me.

As much as I would like to tell you that I have been filled with faith throughout this journey, I have not. I have faltered many times. This year has been a roller coaster of joy and trauma and fear and beauty and peace and faith and turmoil and joy.  It is virtually impossible to describe... for a little more on what it's been like, feel free to read THIS post.

There have been dozens of tender mercy miracles over this year... days when I have felt discouraged or fearful or worried and the Lord sends just the right article or hymn or scripture or devotional or words from a friend. In fact, there have been so many of those little miracles that one would think I could never doubt my future or His goodness and Plan for our family.  In fact, on New Year's Eve, I had one of the most intense spiritual experiences of my life as I sat in prayer at the Ogden Temple. I felt so loved and known by My Father in Heaven.  Despite all those moments,  it soon became evident that our girls would be returning to their bio parents in the coming months.  I'm embarrassed to admit that I spent much of  February angry and lost in fear that I could barely pray about this situation at all.  I relied on others to pray for us and my prayers about this issue became detached or worse... non-existent. I didn't even know what to say to Him... How dare His will not go along with my plan?! Doesn't He know we want to adopt these girls and that they will NEVER be safe with their Bio parents?!  How does He not know this?!
I felt like I was in prison.... my mental anguish was so great. I was ANGRY.  Angry at these bio parents for the neglect and abuse and trauma they had inflicted on these girls.  Angry that after a year of nursing them through the recovery from said trauma, I was now expected to hand them back to the very people who hurt them!! And more than that... I was ANGRY with God for giving them the chance to repent. I honestly felt like I was in jail because my thoughts were so dark. So you'll understand why Jen Hatmaker's post from February 27th caught my eye:

"Well, I have a good news/bad news scenario for you.

The good news is that God absolutely has a plan and path to walk you straight out of the prison of unforgiveness, betrayal, bitterness, and a darkened heart. It will positively work. It is the key that turns the lock. It is foolproof.

The bad news is that here is what it looks like according to Romans 12:14-21 and Luke 6:32-36: you don't get to take revenge. None. And there's more. Actually, it seems like a 2-phase plan according to these verses:

Phase 1: Just don't go psycho.

Do not curse that person.
Do not repay evil for evil.
Do not take revenge.

So basically Phase 1 is meant to just keep you on the rails. You've been hurt, betrayed, harmed. Just be quiet. This is the best you can do during Phase 1. It's okay. Jesus knows. If you can just *not* say a bunch of stuff you can't take back, that is a win. This is a Quiet Game phase. Don't hit back. Don't take your fury to Facebook. Don't slide passive aggressive darts out sideways. Don't rally the troops to stage a coup.

Phase 2: Bless that person.

Bless those that persecute you.
Feed your enemy.
Love your enemy.
Do good to your enemy.
Lend to your enemy and expect nothing in return.
Be merciful to your enemy like God is to awful people.

Phase 2 is a doozy. Jesus was like, "There is nothing really special or holy about loving people that love you. Everyone does that. You want to turn heads? Love your ENEMY. Do good to HIM. Lend to HIM. Bless HIM. Now that is the God-life right there." There is a zero percent chance you want to do anything on that list. Sometimes faith requires us to dig deeper than we ever thought possible.

Back to the good news. These scriptures also tell us what to expect when we approach our enemies like this:

God will handle the justice part.
You will overcome evil with good. YOU WILL OVERCOME.
Your reward will be great.
You will be worthy of the title "son" or "daughter" of God.
You will be emulating your Father.

This is literally how we overcome. This is our path out of the dungeon of bitterness and unforgiveness. This is how we go from tormented minds to living at peace. IT IS WORK. Such work. It will look ridiculous, as Jesus stuff often does. People will tell you to nurture your anger instead; you deserve to, after all. You'll look like a sucker maybe. It might even feel awful somewhere in the middle of it.

But you do this work and you will walk right out of that prison into the fresh, clean air. Do it. Trust God's counsel here. It may feel impossible, but you are strong enough for this."

And all of the sudden, it clicked.  I have to forgive their parents.  I have to let it go. I immediately committed to praying for their bio parents every day.  Did I know I should be praying for them before this?  Of course!  I had even tried before, but it tasted like poison coming out of my mouth.  And yet, here I am, begging for Christ's mercy and grace while refusing it to these people who are actively trying to turn their lives around.  And gradually, the weight began to lift.  

I read Elder Holland's words from his remarkable sermon, Remember Lot's Wife:

Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is that hope? Yes! Is it charity? Yes! Above all, it is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried. Don’t keep going back with your little sand pail and beach shovel to dig it up, wave it around, and then throw it at someone, saying, “Hey! Do you remember this?” Splat!

Well, guess what? That is probably going to result in some ugly morsel being dug up out of your landfill with the reply, “Yeah, I remember it. Do you remember this?” Splat.

And soon enough everyone comes out of that exchange dirty and muddy and unhappy and hurt, when what God, our Father in Heaven, pleads for is cleanliness and kindness and happiness and healing.

Such dwelling on past lives, including past mistakes, is just not right! It is not the gospel of Jesus Christ.

When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died trying to heal."

Y'all. I don't know if real repentance is taking place with their bio parents.  But it is not my place to know that. I am called to forgive. Period.

It was just as I was emerging from my self-inflicted prison that my amazing husband whisked me away for a surprise Romantic Birthday Weekend in St. George:








How wonderful is he?! I had been a beast of a wife for the past month, but here he stood, loving me faithfully and more than I deserved.  He listened as I moaned and cried and made me laugh.  If ever there were a miracle, it is this man in my life.  I don't know much for certain, but I know God sent Matt to me.  He is my best friend and He has been the rock in our family through this past year.  I  weep and rail and worry and fret, and there he stands, faithful and steady and certain.  He assures me that God's got this; that at the end of our time with the girls, all of us will be better.  His love; our marriage- that is a miracle.

With a year of foster care, comes a permanency hearing.  It is at this hearing that the judge should decide whether or not the children are to return to their parents. The week leading up to the hearing, my body was filled with anxiety.  I have never seen anxiety manifest in me that way, but sufficeth to say that I was sick.  My wonderful husband again stepped in, carrying my responsibilities and his... And as I stayed focused on my journey to forgive, I realized very quickly that I am simply not strong enough to do it.

But  here comes yet another miracle.  While preparing a lesson for my Sunday School class, I came across this video "My Burden was Made Light" which shares the true story of Chris Williams, whose car was struck by a drunk driver.  I have seen it so many times and love it, but I didn't think much of it. When I sat down to watch it for the first time in a year, everything was different; I heard it all from a new place this time. It is truly a remarkable story. Take a few minutes to watch it:

Chris says, "When I felt anger or intense loneliness, I didn't direct it at him (the drunk driver) it directed itself at the Savior." 

And again... Miracle.  We went to court the next day and court days are usually filled with such anxiety that I become physically ill: my stomach aches, my arms tingle with anxiety, my limbs feel heavy with the weight of the emotion, my face burns with anger and my head aches from all the drama.  But that next day, every time I felt anxiety or fear or anger... I handed it to My Savior.  I closed my eyes and begged Him to hold it because it was just too. heavy. 

And when the judge made a ruling that was completely in favor of the parents and not in favor of our sweet girls, I felt calm.  I wasn't happy and I wasn't joyous, but the fire and the anger and the weight I felt at previous hearings was gone.  It truly felt like peace that "surpasseth all understanding"...

I'd love to tell you that I am completely at peace now... that my days are tranquil from one day to the next.  But it is a roller coaster.  You never know what the next day holds in Foster Care.  While I have had moments of anxiety and cause for alarm, I am letting Christ carry my burden.  Forgiveness is a choice I have to make each and every day.
We still don't know what the future holds for our family. We know we will have the girls for a few more months, at least. But He knows the end of the story, and we believe in Him.  We believe in Miracles.

Are We Even Making A Difference?

It has been 347 days since Luna and Sunshine came to our family. For the first seven months, their parents did nothing to get them back. Things are different now. Every day, it looks more and more like they will return to their bio parents in the coming months. I have been, and continue to, battle the hopelessness and despair that such a conclusion invokes in me. I vacillate between anger, hope, despair, peace, fear and joy... sometimes all in the same afternoon. The fact that I cannot see what the future holds for them can torment me (when I let it- and sometimes I do) On particularly dark nights, I wonder if I have wasted the last year of our lives trying to help a situation that cannot be repaired.

Multiple times this week, I have thought that my attempts to "help" or "save" by becoming a foster parent have been thwarted by the ridiculous system that is foster care. We walk into court hopeful and prayerful and leave infuriated, shaking our heads at the lack of logic and sanity that governs our laws. Our system holds the rights of parents above the rights of their children and I cry and grieve and shake my fist in anger. The very system that should protect our sweet girls holds them in limbo... preventing them from knowing the peace of permanence in family life.

I ran into a friend this week and we discussed how these situations make you think that to really affect change or make a difference for these children, you need to be an attorney, a judge, a politician. I feel that I have no power over what happens to Sunshine and Luna and that fact is unnerving, discouraging and infuriating. Maybe I should run for office or go back to law school or, at the very least, encourage my children to choose careers that will enable them to help others. What we are doing seems so futile...Watching all of our love and work and prayer for these girls get cast aside so they can return to the very people who got them into this mess in the first place.... Are we even making a difference? What is the point of all we are doing if the system just sends them back to be neglected and abused again?

I held my daughter Daphne last night as she wept over the future of our little Sunshine and Luna. Daphne has become the most amazing young woman over the past year. I look at her and I see a glimpse of the powerful and impressive mother she will be one day. She gives all of her love and heart to Sunshine and Luna and is such a wonderful big sister to them. As I held her, She looked up at me and said, "But they should stay here. With us. It won't be safe for them if they go back. It won't be good for them." I held her and I even said these words to her:, "Maybe, in order to really help them, I need to be an attorney or a judge.. All I know is that God has called us to love these girls and we must trust him with our future." We prayed together and cried together and talked. I told her that none of this makes sense to me. This system, this outcome. I told her how although I struggle to trust God several times a week, that trusting Him is my only Hope. I know... I KNOW that His ways are higher than ours. While our understanding leads us to believe that these girls would be best in our home, in our family, I trust God to finish this story. I have seen Him pick up the pieces of my broken heart and make the most beautiful story with them. I choose to trust Him. We read Proverbs 3:5-6 together:

This morning, she sent me these pics:

I'm not gonna lie, y'all. I am both gutted and empowered as I watch my children go through this process with me. I wish I could show you all the pictures of them laughing and playing together. What joy we have known with these girls. How amazing that in the midst of "anticipatory grief", Daphne can see God's hand in this, that she can trust Him through such pain. How blessed am I to be their mama.

My dear friend Spring shared this quote in her lesson today and I was pierced with its truthfulness:

“When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses?”- Neal A Maxwell

I was wrong, dear Daphne. We ARE changing these girls for the better. We ARE helping them. We ARE making a difference. Whatever the outcome of this story, God has written on the fabric of who they are while they have been in our home.

They have come to know the love of their Savior. This summer, I was telling them the story of Jesus and explaining how He died and how the Roman soldiers crucified Him. Sunshine looked up at me, with the most pure and innocent expression on her face and asked, "Why would them do that?" My heart was so enriched to know that we get to share the gospel with these precious children. These girls have learned of their Savior, of who He is and that He died for each of them. I pray, with all of my heart, that their time with us will stay with them. I pray the love they feel here, the lessons they have learned, the peace and security they have known will stay with them, imprinted on their hearts. They may not remember our faces, or even our names, but I trust that God is using our family to change their trajectory. I trust Him. It is a choice I have to make every day. I choose to trust Him with the future.