Exactly one year ago, I sat in the Ogden Temple... Begging God for guidance. The future seemed so dark and uncertain.The birth mother of our two foster daughters was pregnant and due any day with another little girl. It was very likely the baby would be removed and possible that they would ask us to take the baby. This same woman who, for seven months, had shown no interest in working to get her children back, was now working her plan. I tried to be happy for her. But it was so hard to believe that either of them would actually be able to follow through. It was so hard to forgive all that had taken place thus far. I was wracked with sobs. I felt frayed at the edges, full of fear and extended beyond my limit. Yet here I sat, asking God if we are supposed to say yes to this baby.
How can I put my heart on the line AGAIN with another child when I feel so vulnerable already? How could I keep these girls from their baby sister? How could I possibly handle all my responsibilities AND a newborn? I desperately wanted answers. God, please... Just give me a little light on our path! Please help me see what will happen. Please give me some sign!"
I wept. I silently yelled at Him. How could these people who hurt such precious children be allowed to get them back?! I knew in my mind that I am in as much need of Christ's grace as they are... but my heart was another story. Showing them grace was a challenge that felt insurmountable.
I felt as though I was bleeding out at the thought of not only losing our girls, but sending them back to the same dysfunctional and dangerous environment. I felt blind rage at the idea that the State might allow a newborn to stay in such a precarious and neglectful environment. But could we really handle another child? God, How long will you let this go on? How can you ask this of me?
Immediately, the words the Lord spoke to Joseph Smith entered my mind. I reached for the scriptures sitting next to me and opened to Doctrine and Covenants 121. In this section, Joseph had been unjustly imprisoned in Liberty Jail. I wept openly and continuously as I read this section. Here are a few of the sections that stood out to me that day:
"O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries? Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them? ...
My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands. Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job..... "
I read on as God promises Joseph that vengeance would be for God and God alone to mete out... that those who hurt little children would receive their due. I wept with gratitude for His reassurances. And then, trembling with fear, I asked God, "What about the baby?"
Y'all. The most incredible peace enveloped me. My tears immediately stopped and I felt warmth and Light fill my body. It was the most amazing sense of calm. Intense calm. Perhaps that is a paradox, but the calm overwhelmed me. You can call me crazy or say it was all in my head or that you don't believe God speaks to people. But one year ago, in that temple, He spoke to me. He wrapped His arms around me and spoke peace to me. I went home and Matt and I prayed and we decided that we would take the baby when or if we were asked. Little did I know it would be a good five months before I realized why God had given me that personal miraculous calm in the temple that day. That precious baby was born and left with her birth parents. The coming weeks proved to be some of the darkest of my life. I slowly realized that April and Lanaye were probably going back as well. I felt powerless to protect them from further harm. I wish I could say that my miraculous moments in the temple stayed with me; but I succumbed to fear and anger for a time. I felt a true connection to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's words,
"And in despair I bowed my head. 'There is no peace on earth' I said. For hate is strong and mocks the song of peace on earth good will to men."
I prayed daily, but could find no peace. I was living in anticipatory grief and fear of what would happen to the girls and our family. I begged God to give me a glimpse of the future so that I could cope. But to no avail. After weeks of letting anger and fear prevent me from feeling His peace, I finally let my umbrella down (as Uchtdorf says) and allowed forgiveness to warm my icy heart.
I write in more detail about that
here. I began to truly pray for the biological parents of our girls; I began to daily trust that God has their best interests at heart, that He would provide for our girls and our family and that I would accept whatever outcome. At April General Conference, L. Whitney Clayton gave a
talk that pierced my heart. Here I was, begging to see WHY God was asking this of me.... I was buoyed up by his words regarding the mother of Jesus,
"Mary humbly responded that she would do what God asked, without demanding to know specifics and undoubtedly in spite of having countless questions about the implications for her life. She committed herself without exactly understanding why He was asking that of her or how things would work out. She accepted God’s word unconditionally and in advance,4 with little knowledge of what lay ahead. With simple trust in God, Mary said, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word.” -L. Whitney Clayton
And so, from that point on, I obeyed God's will with complete faith and trust in His timing, serenely accepting whatever came to pass.
Ha ha... I wish. In all truthfulness, I had MANY tearful nights peppered with down right emotional melt downs. But remembering Mary's quiet obedience often helped me endure and trust that God had our future in His hands. We began to come to terms with the fact that the girls would likely return to their biological parents by the summer.
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Little did I know, that as I was wrestling with forgiveness and trust and hope for the future of our girls, God was laying down the groundwork for our forever family. Their baby sister would be placed with us a few weeks later. You can read all about that crazy time HERE.
Here we are, one year later from my day of miracles in the temple. We are the proud legal parents of six children! Through a series of miracles you can read about here and here, we were blessed to adopt our girls on November 15th!
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It's Official!
Our adoption week was filled with such exquisite joy and peace. In my mind's eye, I see that woman in the temple; weeping and pleading for guidance and sight. I wish I could hug her. And then I realize that the peace and light I felt that day were really my hug from the Savior. I can see so clearly now why he poured peace upon my heart about the baby. How could I have doubted Him?
This year, while preparing to celebrate the birth of our Savior, I was again drawn to the words of Longfellow. But this year, a different verse spoke to me,
"Then pealed the bells more loud and deep, God is not dead nor doth He sleep. The wrong shall fail, the right prevail, with peace on earth good will to men.
Till ringing, singing on its way, the world revolved from night to day, and voice, a chime, a chant sublime with peace on earth, good will to men."
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It's Eternal! The sweetness of this day was so overwhelming. God's goodness and mercies poured out upon our heads and hearts! I cannot think of this day without weeping. Pure Joy.
If I had known the ending last winter, I would have missed so many lessons. I would have missed learning to forgive. I would have missed learning to lean on my Savior to get through every single day. I would have missed some of the most tender manifestations of my husband's love for me. I would have missed the miracles that brought forth our adoption.
And now that I can see how our "world revolved from night to day", I am thankful for the journey. I praise God for the broken path that brought our girls to our family. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Hunters. All eight of us.
* Disclaimer: Traveling on this journey has meant learning to trust that God's plan was FOR us, regardless of the ending. I know, KNOW, that He directed the miracles that enables us to adopt our precious girls. I also know that He directs miracles that help birth parents overcome addiction and regain their children. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that adoption was our outcome. But adoption is a life long commitment. We are not promised smooth sailing from here on but through our Savior, we now have the promise of forever! It is not lost on me that many faithful families have different endings to their stories. God is still God and He is good ALL. THE. TIME. Here are a few resources that helped me deal with the idea that God's outcome might not match my ideal:
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I write in more detail about that here. I began to truly pray for the biological parents of our girls; I began to daily trust that God has their best interests at heart, that He would provide for our girls and our family and that I would accept whatever outcome. At April General Conference, L. Whitney Clayton gave a talk that pierced my heart. Here I was, begging to see WHY God was asking this of me.... I was buoyed up by his words regarding the mother of Jesus,
It's Official!
It's Eternal! The sweetness of this day was so overwhelming. God's goodness and mercies poured out upon our heads and hearts! I cannot think of this day without weeping. Pure Joy.
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