Why I don't let my babies "Cry It Out".

I know, I know, I know.- who cares, anyway? None of my 3 readers asked, but you'll have to humor me. This is my one little outlet and I just can't hold it in any longer.


And you know what? I'm a little tired of all the judgement anyway. I know that I (too often) have judged others based on a lack of understanding for their situation, and it seems that I find myself in this position of being judged or perhaps, speculation, frequently.

I know, I know... "Stop your whining, Laura. You picked your path." ... And so I did. Perhaps I am a bit of a black sheep. Not in a negative way, as in being rebellious or anything, but I guess what I mean is that I don't let public opinion or whatever is *easiest*shape my views. I have chosen (in many areas of life) ideas or philosophies that are "out of the mainstream" to say the least and "the subject of mockery", to say more. And I suppose it is only natural for some people to ask, "Why? What is with that girl, anyway? Does she just enjoy the drama of disagreement? Is she nuts? Does she just like to be contrary?" Well, in every single one of those situations, I have done what I felt- truly and deeply in my heart-to be the true and right thing to do.


When I started writing this post, it was Tori's first day going to the nursery at church, as well as her 18 month mark! Yay for Victoria- we're so thankful you are here in our family!

While out in the hallway, listening to make sure she was content and safe, (or waiting for the screaming to begin, rather) I was counseled by some to just let her cry.

When these situations arise, I always try to be as close-lipped as is possible for me. And I think we all know I am not exactly skilled with keeping my opinions to myself. But particularly at church, I don't want to get into some sort of debate over parenting choices. If such a situation presents itself, I try to tactfully agree to disagree. I even say things like, "I know, I'm weird" in order to diffuse the situation. In truth, what I mean is that I know I am in the minority, not so much that my decision is weird.

Toward the end of this conversation in the hallway, the other party said to me, "Don't go in. Now she'll know that every time she cries, you will come." And I replied, "Yes. That's my goal."

I don't mean that I'm trying to teach my child to manipulate me with temper tantrums, but rather that I want, instilled into her very being, the knowledge that if she really needs me-in a crisis of epic proportions- I'm there. Every Time. And in truth, for an eighteen-month-old, being dropped off in a room of complete strangers is a crisis of epic proportions. And while hanging out and making sure she feels completely secure before I leave her there alone may not be convenient for me, it is worth every single frustrating moment.

And although I do not want to get into a debate over parenting choices in the hallway at church or at the school or at the neighborhood block party, I do always leave such encounters feeling, well, if not judged; then.... misunderstood.

So my goal today is to share with you why I have made this choice and to refute the idea that I am a lazy parent who is too weak to discipline my children.

Firstly, let me say that if you have chosen to let your children cry themselves to sleep and/or Cry It Out in other scenarios, this is not intended as a judgement on you. This is merely a justification of my own choice as a Mom. I understand your choice and I respect your ability to choose for your own children. As I acknowledge later in this post- there is no way to know which choice is "right" or "wrong", only what is right or wrong for one family. So please don't feel that I am judging you because I feel differently. I am open to discussion and hope you feel as confident and as happy with your choice as I do mine. The older I have gotten, the more I have realized that life decisions are not black and white, they are often shades of gray, and you have to find the right fit for you and your family.

Now, you'll have to pardon me. But here's where I pull out all the Early Childhood philosophy that has helped to shape my own views on infant care...

A. Bronfenbrenner's theory tells us that children view the world from an extremely egocentric perspective. The microsystem is the most influential and relative to the child's life experiences and consists of the child's immediate family relationships and home.

It takes a significant period of time for a newborn to even acknowledge the existence of life outside his or her own body. And the first thing he or she acknowledges is her food source and her mother, which are often the same being. Gradually the baby starts to acknowledge other people and eventually, places and things. This is why there are spurts of separation anxiety beginning from 7 to 9 mos. and then repeating again around 18-20 mos. The child's ability to distinguish different people and places matures and is refined. The biggest concept to get from Bronfenbrenner is that an infant's family is like the world to an adult, with the home being like the universe. Gradually this microsystem expands, so that the family is like a country, with the home being like the world. This is one of the reasons that research shows that the three most stressful life experiences for a young child are:

1. Death of a family member

2. Divorce

3. Moving

The home is so central to a child's existence. BUT foremost, is the immediate and primary caregiver.

Looking at a child's world from this type of understanding, I cannot leave my infant in another room, crying with little or no comfort or reassurance of existence from that baby's primary caregiver. From my understanding of this theory of ecological development, doing so would be like leaving an adult in a foreign country with no way to contact his or her family and friends or anyone he knows at all. No contact at all.

My second big motivator:

B. Erik Erikson's theory of child development. Erikson, a protege of Freud, also taught that children develop in stages. His stages have rung much more true than Freud's, however, and research has proven them accurate throughout the past 2/3 of a century. In each of Erikson's stages, the child can overcome challenges and emerge successful or emerge unsuccessful, with negative undercurrents rippling into each subsequent stage. According to Erikson, the first stage of development is Trust vs. MisTrust.

In this stage:
The child is biologically driven to achieve trust with his or her primary caregivers. The baby will use whatever communicative devices he has to test over and over again if and how he can trust the caregiver? Can I trust mommy to feed me when I am hungry? Can I trust her to make me comfortable when I am cold? Can I trust her to help me sleep when I am tired? Crying is often the primary source of communication for all of these tasks, but you would be surprised at how many different ways infants can communicate. But I digress, the point is: the great majority of infant behavior is driven by the need to determine if, when and how the child can trust the caregiver to provide for his or her needs.

And this is where reasoning comes in:

C. Most of us know that a newborn is born with an instinct to suck. But we must teach that baby how much to open his or her mouth. Where, when and how to suck. And gradually, after a while we start offering pureed foods, mashed up vegetables and tiny chopped versions of our own table food, until finally, the (now toddler) is able to eat regular table food just like us. You don't hand your newborn, your six month old, or even your toddler a steak and say, "Eat."

To me, the concept of putting a tiny child down the hall in a crib far away from his or her very own world, the parents, and saying, "Sleep all night." is like handing a baby a steak. Sleeping independently is something that can be taught gradually, and successfully and without heartbreaking crying.

Which brings me to my next theorist,

D. Lev Vygotsky, who taught the concept of "Scaffolding"The idea is : helping a child learn just as scaffolding holds up a building. The adult holds the child up during tasks which the child cannot perform independently, but then gradually pulls back as they are able to do more and more, until finally, the child is functioning independently, confidently and fully empowered at the given task.

My Experience with CIO...

And for my final, I tried the Cry It Out method with Isaac when he was 11 months old. I tried a modified version of the Ferber method, where you go back in during increasing intervals of time and give verbal comfort. I had heard about it and didn't know what to do... I was young and un-read and just tried it. I bawled for hours and hours and finally ran in and scooped him up in my arms and promised never again.

Isaac, 7 weeks old

Daphne was never left to cry and neither was Tori. I co-slept with Daphne and Victoria as well. People promised me I'd never get Daphne out of my bed and that I was making a mistake. I read experts who said that "your child will never learn to sleep if you don't let them cry. They'll be too dependent on you- they'll never learn self-sufficiency." Teaching Daphne to sleep was incredibly demanding and rewarding. And to be quite honest: There were times when I thought I would never sleep again. There were times when I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, when I cried if she woke up. But she began to sleep through the night at 21 months, in her own bed, and has been a fabulous sleeper ever since. And I went back to my bed feeling confident that I gave all the scaffolding I could... that she knows in her heart that if she needs me, I'm there. Period.

Daphne, 5 days old

And I hope that Victoria will get the same message, too. We're here. She can trust us and come to us for comfort, food, whatever she needs. I have seen the needs evolve from help sleeping to help entering nursery, to help reading, to help starting preschool, to help being a good friend. And Matt and I want them to know: "We're With You ALL The Way."

Victoria, on the day she came home from the hospital

God bless you and your children in whatever you have decided. I hope you allow others the same privilege.

If you are interested, I highly recommend these books: The No Cry Sleep Solution and The Baby Sleep Book. Also, Dr. Sears' website offers some great ideas for parents...