What Easter is Realy Abowt

April is incredibly busy for me. Due to parent teacher conferences and end of the semester projects, I end up working more like full-time rather than part-time. (I'm working from home, but still.) I come home from school, put Tori down for her nap, work on preparing parent teacher conferences, pick up the kids, help with homework, and work on more stuff until dinner. If I'm lucky, Matt makes dinner or, even better, picks up food so I have one less thing to worry about.
It's Spring Break for my kids, so I'm trying to keep them entertained and complete the crazy amount of work I have to do. Today, while working on a student's portfolio, I got out some white constrcution paper and watercolor paints and suggested Daphne paint Easter eggs to decorate our house (and keep her busy).

After about thirty minutes, she comes to me and hands me this:
Can you read that? It says, "What Easter is Realy Abowt".

And inside: "Jesus Sufferd and died and rose because he loves us!"

That was worth taking a break to blog.

I love that girl. It is my prayer that God will make me worthy to the challenge and blessing of being her mother. It's already been a rough week with lots of Mommy repentance, so this was a paycheck moment. ( With a bonus that I could never have earned.)

I hope that this simple message is in your heart and home this week and always. He Lives.

Just for Today....

Victoria was literally awake for over half of the night.

Matt's out of town and although all of the children were put to bed at about 8:45, it was 10:30 before the girls got to sleep. Tori woke up at 1 and from 3- 4 am , then again at 5. Now, for many moms with young children, that's a typical night. We have gotten past the stage of frequent night-waking, so a night like that kind of rings me a new one! Then, when Daphne woke up at 6:45 and woke up her sister as well, I found myself on the verge of a toddler-like temper tantrum. Okay, maybe I was past "the verge".

Daphne got up and Isaac woke up shortly thereafter, I was thankful to get Victoria back to sleep (or at least quiet in her room without me), and when I laid back down, I tried to sleep more, but I couldn't. All I could think was how Daphne must have felt waking to my frustrated, ill-tempered manner rather than a Mom who was grateful to see her; grateful to have another day with my precious children. I just laid there and prayed, and finally arose to ready myself for a day, slowly shedding the frustration and irritation of unexpected sleep deprivation.

When I went to get some Motrin for my pounding head, I came across this poem taped inside my medicine cabinet. The author is unknown, and I have had it taped there for years. But I needed it today. Just in case someone else needs it, too:

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear and smile and say just how perfect it is.
Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry and pick you up and take you to the park to play.
Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink and let you teach me how to put together that puzzle of yours.
Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble, when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.
Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.
Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours and miss my favorite tv shows.
Just for this evening, when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.
I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and the mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day...

I know there will be more nights like last night. And I'm sure I will fail to be cheerful enough on several more mornings, but I'm going to try harder to be better every day.
My Mom and I took the kids to the Treehouse museum today and then we stopped by Farr's for ice cream on the way home. I'm hoping the weather will hold out long enough for a trip to the park, but either way, I thank God for this day with them.

The Terrors and The Triumphs

This is a truly random post. It's sort of a compilation of all the things that have been happening in our house the past couple of months or so. (That's just what happens when you get 2 full months behind on your blog) As I was thinking of a way to write about these experiences... it occurred to me that sometimes you just can't "spin" it and sugar-coat it into the "We're A Happy Little Family" Image that one usually attempts to attain on a blog. So I thought we'd be more honest.
We are a Happy Family. But that does't mean that we're always happy. At the end of the day, though, we are committed to one another and to encouraging one another along in our walk with Christ.

Over the past two months, the following events have all occurred in our very real family:

• Daphne began gymnastics, which she actually enjoyed! (unlike dance or soccer)




• Daphne had a peanut exposure at a friend's house (right under my nose). And the Parenting Award of the Year goes to.... (drumroll, please) NOT me.




• The aforementioned peanut exposure manifested in a drugged-up Daphne projectile vomiting off the top bunk of her bed and sleeping through all of it.




• Which means Matt and I scrubbed dripping barf off of literally every surface in the girls' bedroom.




• On the bright side, we got the carpets cleaned after this terrible occurrance.

I decided to post pics of the gymnastics but not of the vomiting. You're welcome.

• 
  

Isaac became a MONSTER on the basketball court... he smoked it, y'all! We are just gonna keep on working on those skills and secure our retirement plan.

(Note that he is a good foot taller than everyone else)
Isaac's friend Dusty got baptized (Yay!):

• Tori started saying "yellow" instead of "lellow" , which sent me into tears. It's all going sooo fast. She also started saying a myriad of other things, including complete sentences like:

"I love you, Mommy"

"I want a back-pack" (she meant vitamin- but I figured it out. just call me Sherlock)

She also mastered this all-important phrase: "I want a Halloweeeeeen Treat. .....Please."

and just doing all-around adorably two-year old things:

• Isaac and Daphne brought home magnificent report cards!!! Yay!



• Through the month of November, at least one of our 3 bathrooms got cleaned each week. But that's about it.



• Daphne got strep throat.



• I got sick- sending our already neglected housework spiraling into complete disarray.



• As I sit here typing this, Victoria is watching Sesame Street on the couch and recovering from a night of vomiting.- She literally threw up every 15 minutes for 3 hours through the night. I had to hold up her head so she could throw up because she was so weak. Saddest. Thing. Ever.



• Also as I sit here, 4 loads of clean laundry sit on my couch waiting to be folded, the sink is full of dirty dishes, all 3 bathrooms need to be cleaned and 12 parent teacher conference are waiting to be prepared. Sigh.

(actually those last two were only true about a month ago (thank goodness) I got caught up on housework but not on the blog!)

Well, I didn't want to intentionally document the messy house, so here is the messy table behind a very messy Tori:
>

• My Mom came for a visit!! Yay!



• Tori mastered putting on her coat and pants herself!



• Isaac's teacher asked, "What is it like to have the perfect son?" Seriously.

• I started receiving love notes and not-so love notes from Daphne.

Let me explain:

I remember several years ago watching an episode of Oprah where several women came on and spoke of how difficult motherhood is. Their big message was, "Someone should warn you about this." I recall being annoyed at their perception of motherhood. At the time I was a happy, naive mother of one, which (according to Bill Cosby) isn't really parenthood at all. I did not yet know how difficult it could be. Isaac was a sweet and happy baby. No, he wasn't perfect and he had normal challenges: rough nights, messy diapers, grocery store temper tantrums. But I will be honest about this: I had no idea how difficult parenthood could be until our precious Daphne Faith came screaming into our lives. I always joke that her birth should have been an indicator of her future temperament: she was almost born in an ambulance, 2 hours after my first contraction and seven minutes after walking in the door at the hospital. She came out so fast she was blue.

And then came Victoria: our entertainer- so reasonable and so loving. She has completed our family in the greatest way. She also came with her challenges- her own little personality and temperament. By then we'd let the children outnumber the parents and you know that means trouble.

Daphne is the most magnificent, brilliant, expressive and talented girl. I adore her. I would not change her for a moment. Regardless of those facts, she is still my most challenging child. She questions everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. On the one hand, that is wonderful. She will not ride through life on the coat-tails of my testimony- she will figure things out for herself. But that also seems to mean always watching her make mistakes for her own even when I can see the outcome so clearly. She just HAS to do it herself.

Around the last week of October, she began this regression to her three and four year old temper tantrums. If things didn't go her way, if she was re-directed or corrected in any way, her reaction was explosive. This reminded me much of her younger years and really is just 'Daphne'. But this time, the tantrums have been laced with " You don't love me. Nobody likes me!!!" followed by running away screaming, slamming doors and/or throwing herself onto the ground. Now, one might actually laugh at these declarations at first. But after the 50th exclamation of the week, it started to hurt my spirit. Honestly, every single thing I do as mom is for their good, and no matter the outcome of their lives, I could never live with the thought that one of my children would think that I do not love them.

It would torment my soul to no end.

Do I parent perfectly? No.

Do I make a million mistakes? Yes.

Can they blame me for some of their idiosyncrasies and self-doubt? I'm sure.

But do I love them? Did I give every ounce of all I had for them and their benefit? Would I put down my project if they needed me? Would I throw myself in front of a train to protect them?

Absolutely.

I hope and pray that their answers to those questions would be yes every time.

So when this trend of Daphne's persisted into November, my heart became weary. I pray every night that they will know they are loved. I tried to talk to her about how I love her- that I don't like her choices sometimes and that sometimes I even get frustrated when she disobeys, but I love her forever and ever no matter what. (which is one more reason that this is all a little surprising- "I love you forever and ever no matter what" is our little mantra. I say it to her at least once a day and usually every night when I kiss her goodnight.)

So on one particularly difficult day, they all came home from school right when Tori woke up from nap and everyone needed attention all at once (as usual). I had a long and emotionally draining day in my classroom and just knew if I could get out and go for a run I would feel better. I had tried to prep dinner early so that we could all go for a walk to the park and enjoy the last nice Fall day. So, when they came in, I explained my plan at which point my usually easy Isaac started whining, " I don't want to go to the park" (which is actually code for: "If we go to the park after homework I won't have time to play video games before dinner- but he would never say that because he knows how I feel about video games.) So, because of his displeasure, he decided to make his twenty minutes of homework take 1 1/2 hours, cutting drastically into our outdoor time. Tori , of course, was running around coloring on things and Daphne was doing her reading and complaining about dinner and asking me to do 800 things when I was trying to cut veggies and read to Tori and help Isaac. And then, just about the time she turned around to talk to Isaac, I picked up Tori's sippy cup and put the lid back on so that she wouldn't spill. Daphne turned around and for some reason decided that I had taken some of her chocolate milk and put it into Tori's cup. (which did not happen). No matter what I said, she didn't believe me. And then she handed me a note that said,

"Dear Mom,

I love you and you

do NOT love me.

Daphne"

And then, tears started pouring down my face. I just couldn't help it. Even though she's a six year old drama queen who blows everything out of proportion (wherever could she have acquired that trait?), after the 999th temper tantrum that week, it started to hurt my feelings.

I decided that I was failing as a mother and getting fat and that I couldn't keep my house clean and I was ruining my children's lives and mine all in one little split-second (Thanks for that, satan. ick- Go AWAY) And I just went downstairs to have a good cry and let go of my dreams of a cathartic run through the gorgeous Fall leaves.

Fortunately, my amazing husband and (knight in shining armor) came home early and fed the kids dinner while I went for a 40 minute run. (which was tearful and exquisite all at the same time. It's amazing how much faster and longer you run without a double jogging stroller filled with a 6 year old and a 2 year old)

So that night, I decided to write the big kids letters. I wrote to both of them, telling them all the things I like about them and all the choices they had made that pleased me and all the reasons that I was proud of them. And at the end I said, " But I love you because you are my child. I love you when you make bad choices and I love you when you make good choices. I love you because God sent you to me and you are mine. And I will always love you no matter what."

Then next morning, I had to leave for school very early and left their notes by their plates full of pancakes. I kissed their sleepy heads and took Tori to school with me. And when I returned at 1 pm, I found a note from Daphne that said this:

"Dear Mom,

I love you.

I will stop Screemeeng. I will stop Fiting.

You are the best mom.

I love you.

Daphne"

It didn't all get better right away. In fact, we were still struggling with a little of these behaviors over Thanksgiving break while my Mom was visiting, so she can bear witness to the emotional toll it was taking on all of us. But even that was just a fraction of what early November had been.

And now, after many prayers and blessings from God, we are back to just our regular level of drama. No- it's not always pretty and there are still temper tantrums. But we are bearing it, through the grace of God. He is truly our shelter form the storm. Whether the storm rages outside our door or inside our hearts, He will calm His child.

I love all three of them. I LOVE being their mother. Most days are really the greatest joyful moments of chaos and hugs and kisses all rolled into one big beautiful mess. It's our life and every moment is on loan from Him. I thank Him and I praise Him for each one of these terrors and triumphs because I know they are His way of teaching us and guiding us and sealing us together in HIM.

"... my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." Ether 12:27

"Do not nag yourself with a sense of failure. Get on your knees and ask for the blessings of the Lord ; then stand on your feet and do what you are asked to do. Then leave the matter in the hands of the Lord. You will discover that you have accomplished something beyond price." Gordon B. Hinckley


I know that He is taking my humble efforts as a Mom and turning them into something more than I could ever do on my own. I know that He is speaking His truth to their hearts and I pray every day that their ears and their hearts will be open to His Word.

Why I don't let my babies "Cry It Out".

I know, I know, I know.- who cares, anyway? None of my 3 readers asked, but you'll have to humor me. This is my one little outlet and I just can't hold it in any longer.


And you know what? I'm a little tired of all the judgement anyway. I know that I (too often) have judged others based on a lack of understanding for their situation, and it seems that I find myself in this position of being judged or perhaps, speculation, frequently.

I know, I know... "Stop your whining, Laura. You picked your path." ... And so I did. Perhaps I am a bit of a black sheep. Not in a negative way, as in being rebellious or anything, but I guess what I mean is that I don't let public opinion or whatever is *easiest*shape my views. I have chosen (in many areas of life) ideas or philosophies that are "out of the mainstream" to say the least and "the subject of mockery", to say more. And I suppose it is only natural for some people to ask, "Why? What is with that girl, anyway? Does she just enjoy the drama of disagreement? Is she nuts? Does she just like to be contrary?" Well, in every single one of those situations, I have done what I felt- truly and deeply in my heart-to be the true and right thing to do.


When I started writing this post, it was Tori's first day going to the nursery at church, as well as her 18 month mark! Yay for Victoria- we're so thankful you are here in our family!

While out in the hallway, listening to make sure she was content and safe, (or waiting for the screaming to begin, rather) I was counseled by some to just let her cry.

When these situations arise, I always try to be as close-lipped as is possible for me. And I think we all know I am not exactly skilled with keeping my opinions to myself. But particularly at church, I don't want to get into some sort of debate over parenting choices. If such a situation presents itself, I try to tactfully agree to disagree. I even say things like, "I know, I'm weird" in order to diffuse the situation. In truth, what I mean is that I know I am in the minority, not so much that my decision is weird.

Toward the end of this conversation in the hallway, the other party said to me, "Don't go in. Now she'll know that every time she cries, you will come." And I replied, "Yes. That's my goal."

I don't mean that I'm trying to teach my child to manipulate me with temper tantrums, but rather that I want, instilled into her very being, the knowledge that if she really needs me-in a crisis of epic proportions- I'm there. Every Time. And in truth, for an eighteen-month-old, being dropped off in a room of complete strangers is a crisis of epic proportions. And while hanging out and making sure she feels completely secure before I leave her there alone may not be convenient for me, it is worth every single frustrating moment.

And although I do not want to get into a debate over parenting choices in the hallway at church or at the school or at the neighborhood block party, I do always leave such encounters feeling, well, if not judged; then.... misunderstood.

So my goal today is to share with you why I have made this choice and to refute the idea that I am a lazy parent who is too weak to discipline my children.

Firstly, let me say that if you have chosen to let your children cry themselves to sleep and/or Cry It Out in other scenarios, this is not intended as a judgement on you. This is merely a justification of my own choice as a Mom. I understand your choice and I respect your ability to choose for your own children. As I acknowledge later in this post- there is no way to know which choice is "right" or "wrong", only what is right or wrong for one family. So please don't feel that I am judging you because I feel differently. I am open to discussion and hope you feel as confident and as happy with your choice as I do mine. The older I have gotten, the more I have realized that life decisions are not black and white, they are often shades of gray, and you have to find the right fit for you and your family.

Now, you'll have to pardon me. But here's where I pull out all the Early Childhood philosophy that has helped to shape my own views on infant care...

A. Bronfenbrenner's theory tells us that children view the world from an extremely egocentric perspective. The microsystem is the most influential and relative to the child's life experiences and consists of the child's immediate family relationships and home.

It takes a significant period of time for a newborn to even acknowledge the existence of life outside his or her own body. And the first thing he or she acknowledges is her food source and her mother, which are often the same being. Gradually the baby starts to acknowledge other people and eventually, places and things. This is why there are spurts of separation anxiety beginning from 7 to 9 mos. and then repeating again around 18-20 mos. The child's ability to distinguish different people and places matures and is refined. The biggest concept to get from Bronfenbrenner is that an infant's family is like the world to an adult, with the home being like the universe. Gradually this microsystem expands, so that the family is like a country, with the home being like the world. This is one of the reasons that research shows that the three most stressful life experiences for a young child are:

1. Death of a family member

2. Divorce

3. Moving

The home is so central to a child's existence. BUT foremost, is the immediate and primary caregiver.

Looking at a child's world from this type of understanding, I cannot leave my infant in another room, crying with little or no comfort or reassurance of existence from that baby's primary caregiver. From my understanding of this theory of ecological development, doing so would be like leaving an adult in a foreign country with no way to contact his or her family and friends or anyone he knows at all. No contact at all.

My second big motivator:

B. Erik Erikson's theory of child development. Erikson, a protege of Freud, also taught that children develop in stages. His stages have rung much more true than Freud's, however, and research has proven them accurate throughout the past 2/3 of a century. In each of Erikson's stages, the child can overcome challenges and emerge successful or emerge unsuccessful, with negative undercurrents rippling into each subsequent stage. According to Erikson, the first stage of development is Trust vs. MisTrust.

In this stage:
The child is biologically driven to achieve trust with his or her primary caregivers. The baby will use whatever communicative devices he has to test over and over again if and how he can trust the caregiver? Can I trust mommy to feed me when I am hungry? Can I trust her to make me comfortable when I am cold? Can I trust her to help me sleep when I am tired? Crying is often the primary source of communication for all of these tasks, but you would be surprised at how many different ways infants can communicate. But I digress, the point is: the great majority of infant behavior is driven by the need to determine if, when and how the child can trust the caregiver to provide for his or her needs.

And this is where reasoning comes in:

C. Most of us know that a newborn is born with an instinct to suck. But we must teach that baby how much to open his or her mouth. Where, when and how to suck. And gradually, after a while we start offering pureed foods, mashed up vegetables and tiny chopped versions of our own table food, until finally, the (now toddler) is able to eat regular table food just like us. You don't hand your newborn, your six month old, or even your toddler a steak and say, "Eat."

To me, the concept of putting a tiny child down the hall in a crib far away from his or her very own world, the parents, and saying, "Sleep all night." is like handing a baby a steak. Sleeping independently is something that can be taught gradually, and successfully and without heartbreaking crying.

Which brings me to my next theorist,

D. Lev Vygotsky, who taught the concept of "Scaffolding"The idea is : helping a child learn just as scaffolding holds up a building. The adult holds the child up during tasks which the child cannot perform independently, but then gradually pulls back as they are able to do more and more, until finally, the child is functioning independently, confidently and fully empowered at the given task.

My Experience with CIO...

And for my final, I tried the Cry It Out method with Isaac when he was 11 months old. I tried a modified version of the Ferber method, where you go back in during increasing intervals of time and give verbal comfort. I had heard about it and didn't know what to do... I was young and un-read and just tried it. I bawled for hours and hours and finally ran in and scooped him up in my arms and promised never again.

Isaac, 7 weeks old

Daphne was never left to cry and neither was Tori. I co-slept with Daphne and Victoria as well. People promised me I'd never get Daphne out of my bed and that I was making a mistake. I read experts who said that "your child will never learn to sleep if you don't let them cry. They'll be too dependent on you- they'll never learn self-sufficiency." Teaching Daphne to sleep was incredibly demanding and rewarding. And to be quite honest: There were times when I thought I would never sleep again. There were times when I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, when I cried if she woke up. But she began to sleep through the night at 21 months, in her own bed, and has been a fabulous sleeper ever since. And I went back to my bed feeling confident that I gave all the scaffolding I could... that she knows in her heart that if she needs me, I'm there. Period.

Daphne, 5 days old

And I hope that Victoria will get the same message, too. We're here. She can trust us and come to us for comfort, food, whatever she needs. I have seen the needs evolve from help sleeping to help entering nursery, to help reading, to help starting preschool, to help being a good friend. And Matt and I want them to know: "We're With You ALL The Way."

Victoria, on the day she came home from the hospital

God bless you and your children in whatever you have decided. I hope you allow others the same privilege.

If you are interested, I highly recommend these books: The No Cry Sleep Solution and The Baby Sleep Book. Also, Dr. Sears' website offers some great ideas for parents...