I bet you could tell me the whole story of the day your child was born; what you were wearing, what you were doing when you realized you were in labor. I have stories for all three of my big kids. Isaac's easy, by-the-book birth; Daphne's dramatic, rushed arrival, seven minutes after the ambulance dropped us at the hospital; Victoria was my breach baby, born by mandatory and traumatic C- section. I can tell you all about the details of those days.
But what if you had no idea? What if you were driving along down the road and a few cities away at exactly 9:01 am, your future daughter was born?
I suppose that is why I have been so preoccupied with the births of our three littlest girls. I can tell you every detail of the days they came to be in our family. (Here and Here) But I have been day dreaming about the days they were born; the days they took their first breaths... What were the rest of us doing?
I foraged through my journals for answers. (This is the moment where I kick myself for not writing more regularly and in more detail.) I have searched my emails, my lesson plans, my Facebook posts to find out what that day was like. How I wish I could go back and know exactly what we were doing! But alas, here is what I have pieced together:
On Tuesday November 02, 2010 at 9:01 am, I was at Weber State University, just beginning my preschool class alongside my student teacher, Susan. We were teaching about Fall that week. I can name a handful of children from that class. Victoria was 2 and a half, so she was down the hall going to her toddler classroom. It was election day- I voted. The Republican Party picked up 63 seats in the House, 6 in the Senate and 29 governorships. I remember watching the news and thinking how fickle we are as a country... two years before we had elected Barack Obama. We change our minds so quickly. Matt and I were having our house appraised. Daphne was in first grade and Isaac was in third grade. A few days before, we had all dressed up as the gang from Scooby Doo for Halloween.
Guess what, Shaggy and Velma?! Your daughter was just born!
And across the valley, at a hospital in Salt Lake City, our daughter was born. She weighed 7 lbs, 1 oz and had a head full of dark hair and the most precious cheeks! She was given a different first name and of course, a different family name. But she was also given the middle name of April. Five years later, she would stand in our kitchen and demand to be called April. And so here she is, our precious April Joy on the day of her birth:
A special shout out to the girls' biological aunt for sending these pictures to me. They are precious treasures!!
And 5 1/2 years later, she came bounding into our lives. I know that those first five years are part of her story. I know some about them that she probably doesn't know or understand yet and she knows things about those years that I will never know or understand. It's all part of her story. But I want you to know, dear April, that you are our family now, too. We love you forever and always and will try to be the parents you deserve and need. When we changed your name, it was first and foremost to honor your wishes. You were insistent that we call you April. We love you, April Joy!
On Thursday, January 23, 2014 at 5:55 pm, Matt and I were rushing around trying to get to Isaac's junior high basketball game. We talked about how we had so much going on I wouldn't be able to cook. I had book club that night. Isaac was in 6th grade, Daphne was in 4th grade and Victoria was in kindergarten! I don't know a whole lot about that day. But I know I shared this video on Facebook:
How amazing is that?! How beautiful that the birth mommy of our girls chose life!? How perfect that when we asked God how we could help these babies, he sent us down this path? I see now that we best support women in crisis pregnancies by showing them love, support and stable adoptive homes for children.
While searching my journals, I found this entry from the week Lanaye was born:
And God was probably like, "Hahaha!! You have three more babies coming, lady!"
My heart warmed to know that the very moment my daughter was born, I was mourning the loss of baby days... I had no idea that thirty minutes away, at a hospital in Salt Lake City, our tiny little Lanaye was born. She was 6 pounds exactly and faced some complications, but had head a head full of luscious dark hair and the sweetest face! Her nose is trademark Naye-Naye- Look at that perfect baby!!
I had to do some detective work to find a baby picture of Lanaye. I tracked down the photography company that took the pictures at the hospital where she was born, provided documentation about our adoption and got to order birth pics of our baby!!
Isaac, Daphne and Tori- just a few weeks after their little sister, Lanaye, was born!
On the morning of January 19th, 2017, I woke to a text message from our caseworker that made my heart leap:
"She had the baby around 5 this morning. :) The dad texted me around 5:30. He said Mom and the baby are doing great." She weighed 6 lbs. 8 oz. and was born with the cord wrapped around her neck and had swallowed meconium. She was whisked away for special care, but was fine and dandy just a few minutes later!
We took the girls to the hospital to meet their baby sister. When we arrived, the bio mom handed Lillie to me and laid down. I took over, letting the girls feed her a bottle, changing her diaper, singing to her and bouncing her. Their bio mom even said to me: "I'd just let you keep her if they'd let me."
Of course, as I shared in THIS post, we didn't bring Lillie home that weekend. Despite the birth parents not being safe enough for April and Lanaye, the State left Lillie in their care for another four months.
Lillie (you had a different name at birth, but it was EXTREMELY similar to Lanaye's and proved to be too tricky for me to keep straight!) We chose to name you after Matt's beautiful grandmother, Lillie Blue Hunter, whose Catawba heritage enabled us to adopt you. Grandma Hunter was full-blooded Catawba Indian, she had a special innocence about her; and something in your face reminds us of her!
Near our adoption date, Matt shared these pictures from Lillie's birth. I got chills when I saw them again- How blessed was I to hold my daughter on the day of her birth?! Last January, we truly had no idea what the future held for our family. We did not fully realize that this was the day our daughter was born. And here we are, one year later... reveling in the gorgeous family that is ours:
I laugh now when I think how I spent the past 2.5 years telling God what our future should be, imagining a different path than the one on which He led us. But although our youngest three joined us through an unconventional and painful method, I wouldn't change a thing. As I mentioned when we first started this journey HERE, sometimes heartbreak is beautiful:
April, Lanaye and Lillie- We cannot begin to express our gratitude and joy at being your parents. We know that the way you joined our family also meant a great loss for you. We hope to always honor your feelings about that; to acknowledge the tremendous loss. We are grateful to your birth parents for choosing to give you life during a dark time in their lives. We are grateful that they chose to bow out and give you a hopeful future rather than dragging all of us through a terrible court battle that would have caused you more pain and just delayed the inevitable. We are grateful that they tried for you. We hurt that their addictions proved too powerful. We thank them for trying; for every tear they wiped, every meal they served, every blanket placed over you... we hurt for you and for them because we know they love you and they wanted to be safe for you. We pray that we will be the parents you deserve; that you will know that you went from wanted to wanted, from loved to loved.
Exactly one year ago, I sat in the Ogden Temple... Begging God for guidance. The future seemed so dark and uncertain.The birth mother of our two foster daughters was pregnant and due any day with another little girl. It was very likely the baby would be removed and possible that they would ask us to take the baby. This same woman who, for seven months, had shown no interest in working to get her children back, was now working her plan. I tried to be happy for her. But it was so hard to believe that either of them would actually be able to follow through. It was so hard to forgive all that had taken place thus far. I was wracked with sobs. I felt frayed at the edges, full of fear and extended beyond my limit. Yet here I sat, asking God if we are supposed to say yes to this baby.
How can I put my heart on the line AGAIN with another child when I feel so vulnerable already? How could I keep these girls from their baby sister? How could I possibly handle all my responsibilities AND a newborn? I desperately wanted answers. God, please... Just give me a little light on our path! Please help me see what will happen. Please give me some sign!"
I wept. I silently yelled at Him. How could these people who hurt such precious children be allowed to get them back?! I knew in my mind that I am in as much need of Christ's grace as they are... but my heart was another story. Showing them grace was a challenge that felt insurmountable.
I felt as though I was bleeding out at the thought of not only losing our girls, but sending them back to the same dysfunctional and dangerous environment. I felt blind rage at the idea that the State might allow a newborn to stay in such a precarious and neglectful environment. But could we really handle another child? God, How long will you let this go on? How can you ask this of me?
Immediately, the words the Lord spoke to Joseph Smith entered my mind. I reached for the scriptures sitting next to me and opened to Doctrine and Covenants 121. In this section, Joseph had been unjustly imprisoned in Liberty Jail. I wept openly and continuously as I read this section. Here are a few of the sections that stood out to me that day:
"O God,whereart thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thyhiding place?How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them? ...
My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job..... "
I read on as God promises Joseph that vengeance would be for God and God alone to mete out... that those who hurt little children would receive their due. I wept with gratitude for His reassurances. And then, trembling with fear, I asked God, "What about the baby?"
Y'all. The most incredible peace enveloped me. My tears immediately stopped and I felt warmth and Light fill my body. It was the most amazing sense of calm. Intense calm. Perhaps that is a paradox, but the calm overwhelmed me. You can call me crazy or say it was all in my head or that you don't believe God speaks to people. But one year ago, in that temple, He spoke to me. He wrapped His arms around me and spoke peace to me. I went home and Matt and I prayed and we decided that we would take the baby when or if we were asked. Little did I know it would be a good five months before I realized why God had given me that personal miraculous calm in the temple that day. That precious baby was born and left with her birth parents. The coming weeks proved to be some of the darkest of my life. I slowly realized that April and Lanaye were probably going back as well. I felt powerless to protect them from further harm. I wish I could say that my miraculous moments in the temple stayed with me; but I succumbed to fear and anger for a time. I felt a true connection to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's words,
"And in despair I bowed my head. 'There is no peace on earth' I said. For hate is strong and mocks the song of peace on earth good will to men."
I prayed daily, but could find no peace. I was living in anticipatory grief and fear of what would happen to the girls and our family. I begged God to give me a glimpse of the future so that I could cope. But to no avail. After weeks of letting anger and fear prevent me from feeling His peace, I finally let my umbrella down (as Uchtdorf says) and allowed forgiveness to warm my icy heart.
I write in more detail about that here. I began to truly pray for the biological parents of our girls; I began to daily trust that God has their best interests at heart, that He would provide for our girls and our family and that I would accept whatever outcome. At April General Conference, L. Whitney Clayton gave a talk that pierced my heart. Here I was, begging to see WHY God was asking this of me.... I was buoyed up by his words regarding the mother of Jesus,
"Mary humbly responded that she would do what God asked, without demanding to know specifics and undoubtedly in spite of having countless questions about the implications for her life. She committed herself without exactly understanding why He was asking that of her or how things would work out. She accepted God’s word unconditionally and in advance,4 with little knowledge of what lay ahead. With simple trust in God, Mary said, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word.” -L. Whitney Clayton
And so, from that point on, I obeyed God's will with complete faith and trust in His timing, serenely accepting whatever came to pass.
Ha ha... I wish. In all truthfulness, I had MANY tearful nights peppered with down right emotional melt downs. But remembering Mary's quiet obedience often helped me endure and trust that God had our future in His hands. We began to come to terms with the fact that the girls would likely return to their biological parents by the summer.
Little did I know, that as I was wrestling with forgiveness and trust and hope for the future of our girls, God was laying down the groundwork for our forever family. Their baby sister would be placed with us a few weeks later. You can read all about that crazy time HERE.
Here we are, one year later from my day of miracles in the temple. We are the proud legal parents of six children! Through a series of miracles you can read about here and here, we were blessed to adopt our girls on November 15th!
It's Official!
Our adoption week was filled with such exquisite joy and peace. In my mind's eye, I see that woman in the temple; weeping and pleading for guidance and sight. I wish I could hug her. And then I realize that the peace and light I felt that day were really my hug from the Savior. I can see so clearly now why he poured peace upon my heart about the baby. How could I have doubted Him?
This year, while preparing to celebrate the birth of our Savior, I was again drawn to the words of Longfellow. But this year, a different verse spoke to me,
"Then pealed the bells more loud and deep, God is not dead nor doth He sleep. The wrong shall fail, the right prevail, with peace on earth good will to men.
Till ringing, singing on its way, the world revolved from night to day, and voice, a chime, a chant sublime with peace on earth, good will to men."
It's Eternal! The sweetness of this day was so overwhelming. God's goodness and mercies poured out upon our heads and hearts! I cannot think of this day without weeping. Pure Joy.
If I had known the ending last winter, I would have missed so many lessons. I would have missed learning to forgive. I would have missed learning to lean on my Savior to get through every single day. I would have missed some of the most tender manifestations of my husband's love for me. I would have missed the miracles that brought forth our adoption.
And now that I can see how our "world revolved from night to day", I am thankful for the journey. I praise God for the broken path that brought our girls to our family. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Hunters. All eight of us.
* Disclaimer: Traveling on this journey has meant learning to trust that God's plan was FOR us, regardless of the ending. I know, KNOW, that He directed the miracles that enables us to adopt our precious girls. I also know that He directs miracles that help birth parents overcome addiction and regain their children. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that adoption was our outcome. But adoption is a life long commitment. We are not promised smooth sailing from here on but through our Savior, we now have the promise of forever! It is not lost on me that many faithful families have different endings to their stories. God is still God and He is good ALL. THE. TIME. Here are a few resources that helped me deal with the idea that God's outcome might not match my ideal:
I write this post, standing here, completely in awe of the miracles that God has bestowed on our family the past few months. Really, the past two years. Honestly, I should have written this post a few weeks ago, but I have been of little faith. After this past miracle, I have waited and waited for evidence of said miracle. I wanted to touch and see, doubting Thomas that I am. I am desperate for these girls to have a sense of permanency, of forever. I am weary of waiting. It has been a long journey. 588 days, to be exact. If you are wondering how we got started fostering, please read THIS. If you are wondering about our journey with our beautiful girls, start HERE.
Let me go back a little to explain ... Because Matt is 1/4 Catawba Indian, we are considered an ICWA foster home. ICWA stands for Indian Child Welfare Act. If you want more info on that, you can read this or this. So, if a Native American child is place in foster care, placements are considered in this order:
(1) A member of the Indian childs extended family;
(2) Other members of the Indian childs tribe; or
(3) Other Indian families.
In other words, adopting a Native child is NOT easy. If you don't believe it, just google ICWA adoption cases. It's UGLY. OOGLY. We were particularly discouraged by the words of Sandy Red Hawk who spoke at the Utah Indian Child Welfare Conference we recently attended. She said that Modern day adoptions of Native children are just as harmful as was the forcible removal of Native Children during the boarding school era, fifty years ago. We listened to her speak for over an hour, explaining why children are better with drug addict Native parents than with adoptive families. It was hurtful and nauseating.
Because our girls are Navajo and Matt is Catawba, we barely squeak through as a valid placement. In addition, even after all of the legal craziness, the Tribe has to consent to us adopting them. Before we got the girls, I spoke with the ICWA coordinator for the our region of Utah Foster Care and she warned me that Tribes are notorious for allowing a child to be fostered by the State and then swooping in just as adoption is looking possible and taking custody of the child. We have lived the past 588 days knowing that this was a very real, very likely possibility. I'd like to say that I have handled it with grace and patience, but that simply isn't true. Many nights I have allowed anxiety and "what ifs" to steal my joy.
Despite my ridiculous worrisome nature, God has blessed me SO. MANY. FREAKING. TIMES. with a tender mercy that lifted my gaze to Him; to His purposes; to His timeline.
This quote from D. Todd Christofferson has brought me peace and perspective through this last leg of the journey:
"In short, to “always remember Christ” means that we do not live our lives in fear. We know that challenges, disappointments, and sorrows will come to each of us in different ways, but we also know that in the end, because of our divine Advocate, all things can be made to work together for our good. When we always remember the Savior, we can “cheerfully do all things that lie in our power,” confident that His power and love for us will see us through."
When I read those words, I realized that when I worry about the future of the girls, about what might happen to prevent our adoption, about whether or not I am capable of parenting SIX CHILDREN... I am not remembering my Savior. I have made a covenant to always remember Him and to stand as His witness at all times and in all things and in all places. What the heck kind of witness is a weepy worrywart?!
Yet, I live in a cycle of doubt and faith and fear and trust. When I wake up with the baby in the middle of the night, my rational, faith-filled brain does not work. I begin to rock the baby and my brain immediately thinks of what could go wrong and prevent us adopting the girls. If it doesn't think of those things, my brain reminds me of all the reasons I failed as a mom that day, or all the ways my kids aren't perfect and then how those imperfections are probably my fault. You see how there's no winning in this, right?! I wake up in the morning and God inevitably refreshes my faith through scripture or word or prayer. But it's a struggle to trust Him, y'all. Who knew trust could be so hard?
Anyway, Monday, October 16th, right after 5, the DCFS caseworker told me that she finally heard back from the Tribe. Thankfully the Navajo worker, seemed ok with the idea of adoption, but would have to come and visit our home first to determine if she approved of US adopting the girls. She was thinking of coming the first week of November.
Honestly, this made me SOO nervous! What if we are too white and she says no? I hear the words of our first caseworker in my head, " The Tribe is NEVER going to let you adopt them, Laura."
Also, that means that even IF the court assigns a date for adoption, we won't know if it's really going to happen until she signs off on it.
We spoke with our attorney and he verified that this is a requirement, that the visit has to be positive and prove that we will keep the girls connected to their culture, and that the Navajo Caseworker has to give consent to adopt.
I called the Navajo Caseworker on Tuesday, October 16th to discuss scheduling the visit. She was VERY non-committal about a date. She mentioned coming November 1, 2, or 3 and then said maybe the 9th or 10th of November.... She is a ten hour drive from us and would need to make a travel request to fly in. Delay, delay.... Inside, I'm thinking, we are never going to get an adoption date if she can't figure out when to come... And what if her travel request is denied?
I made it clear we would do whatever we could to accommodate her and for her to just let me know when as soon as possible. (knowing that this woman has not communicated with anyone from our case since June!!) I asked if she had any further questions and she said, "Well, can you tell me what you are doing to keep the girls connected to their culture?"
I explained that we have worked hard to keep the girls connected to their maternal grandmother, who keeps me informed of Navajo traditions and practices. I explained that their grandmother was willing to help us so that they could have their kinaalda (which is a Navajo coming of age ceremony that lasts several days) I told her about all the Pow wows and Navajo books and the Pow wow dance class Sunshine took this summer and the Navajo Language class that Tori and Sunshine are enrolled in. I made it clear that I cannot read Navajo and find it difficult to learn, but the girls are really enjoying learning it.
And then, she said, "You know, It's clear that the girls are thriving in your home. I am so happy with all you are doing, especially your efforts to keep them connected to their grandmother, so I don't think I need to visit. Yeah, I'm not going to visit. I'm going to go ahead and write the letter of consent. You should have it by the end of the week or early next week."
Y'all.
Tears. I can't begin to explain the joy and gratitude in my heart!! Matt and I stared at each other in disbelief.
Tears.
The relief that flooded through my body... I still can't believe it sometimes. And then .... we waited. Waited for our court date. Waited for the letter from November . And then on October 25th, we finally got this:
I can't even explain to you the joy in my heart at the sight of those words. We are over the moon! I shared the song at the beginning of this post because I have been listening to it on repeat since my conversation with the Tribal Caseworker... the words speak my heart better than I could ever blog them to you: "And now I'm standing here, with heart so full I can't explain; seeking faith and speaking words I never thought I'd say...": We Are Adopting Our Girls. We are still waiting for the letter from the Tribe. I'm not going to lie. I have been on that Tribal Caseworker like white on rice. I am stalking her like any obsessive adoptive mother who has been waiting 588 days for this!!! I have spoken with her and I will keep calling her but it is STILL not in my hands. But I'm not waiting to post about this miracle anymore. I know God is going to make this happen. It might be November 15th, it might be December 15th... But "We are not afraid... although we know there's much to fear: We were moving mountains long before we knew we could."
In November 2015, 2 years ago, we became licensed Foster Parents.
On March 30, 2016, 18 months ago, two of the most amazing children on this planet came to live in our home. You can read all about that here.
4 months ago, their baby sister joined our family. You can read all about that here.
Every time we go to court for these girls, I am sick. It is anxiety that comes out in my pores, I tell you. You can read more about that here. (as if anyone wants to hear more about anxiety oozing out of my pores- ick! It's actually about our whole first year with the girls!)
3 months ago, after realizing he had lost all chances at regaining custody, their biological father voluntarily relinquished his rights. And here we are, three months later and headed to our FIFTH court date in regard to the rights of the biological mother.
Last week, we found out that the girls were going to have a visit with their bio mom the next day (after months of no visits). All reason would suggest that I should be irritated, filled with dread, and frustrated by this. This is a woman who is openly using, who has shown up to visit her children only once in the previous three months and whose visits leave our girls confused, upset, and acting out for days following. A woman who could be kind to me one minute, then turn around and be hostile and physically and verbally threatening the next day. I can only imagine how painful and distressing this experience is for her, and when drugs and mental illness are factored in, emotions are only escalated. All that considered, this is a woman who is an image-bearer of the divine. A woman for whom Christ laid down His life. All reason should suggest I be full of anxiety. But that same Christ was with me as well. That same Christ holding me holds their birth mother and our daughters in His hands. When I heard about the visit, calm settled over my body. This peace was contrary to all reason; a calm that comes only from the Holy Spirit; "the peace of God, which passeth all understanding"... We felt an impression from the Lord that this visit would serve to convince the bio mom that all three of the girls belong together and with our family. I felt a surety and a sense of purpose as I prepared them for the visit. I felt a distinct prompting that this visit might be an opportunity for the bio mom to see how healthy and happy the girls are with us... so we brought our entire family. We played at the park, went to a Fairytale Festival and had a yummy dinner. When life throws you lemons, make lemonade!
(I wasn't allowed to post pictures of the girls at the time, so I added these after the fact.)
The above pic is from the next day, but at least you can see everyone!
Likewise, as we went to court today, I have never felt so calm leading up to a court hearing. (Court Hearings usually stress me to the point I am physically ill.) We knew the bio mother was running out of options, but there were many possibilities: She could fight the charges against her, she could try to force that the baby be sent to her sister, The Tribe could try to intervene and move the children to a Navajo family... I was prepared for all outcomes. I recalled having recently told our children the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. As I prayed and pondered our court hearing the next day, I felt drawn to read in Daniel 3:15-18:
"..fall down and worship the image which I have made; well: but if ye worship not, ye shall be cast the same hour into the midst of a burning fiery furnace; and who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego, answered and said to the king, O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter.
If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.
But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.."
I read those words with our children this morning and as we prayed, we remembered that God does not always answer our prayers in the ways we think are best, but God answers them in the way that is best for us.
So we prayed over this hearing:
These two quotes from C.S. Lewis that seemed to encapsulate so much of our struggle:
I think that I walked into court calm today because I knew that God would be breaking my heart. I knew that either ending of this hearing would break my heart in some way. It has taken me over a year to understand that truth, and perhaps I will blog about it one day, but for now, suffice to say that I know God has a plan for our family and either path we take from here will not be easy or free from heartache. I know which path I want, but I was finally able to lay my heart down and say, "Here. Take it. Do what you have to do. Make me Thy servant in whatever way You see fit. "
Once we got to the courthouse, Matt and I both felt nervous and anxious to have answers. We were praying for a miracle:
Miracle number 1:
The girls' bio mother went into court with a petition to voluntarily relinquish her rights today...
She. signed. it!!! The judge was concerned that she may not completely understand what she was doing. After a very long, tense, redundant exchange between the judge and the girls' biological mother, the Judge signed off on her relinquishment!!! It is impossible to explain what a miracle this is without over-sharing, so please trust me when I tell you this was a miracle! This was such a tragic, miraculous and beautiful experience!! But it was absolutely in the best interest of our girls. We are both heartbroken for the bio mom and rejoicing for the bright future ahead of Sunshine, Luna and Star.
Miracle number 2:
The biological mother stated, on the record, that she wanted ALL THREE GIRLS TO STAY TOGETHER AND WITH OUR FAMILY!! If you have followed along with us, this has been a huge concern and question!
The Caseworker from DCFS testified that the girls are all three bonded to us and that it would be detrimental and disruptive to remove them from our home.
The girls' attorney then asked the judge to certify that by clear and convincing evidence it would be detrimental and disruptive for the girls to be removed from our home. And he did.
The Tribe still has the ability to come forward and fight our adoption of the girls, but with all of that on the record, it would be a steep uphill climb!!
Then the judge turned to us and thanked us. He said that what we are doing is a miracle. And I ugly cried. Because this is all a miracle. The last 18 months have been a fiery furnace but God has been with us every step of the way. Even when I yelled and railed at God. Even when I doubted and questioned every decision. Christ has stood with us; Christ has been with us in every moment.
If you have prayed for us at any time and in any way, thank you! From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Our journey is not over, but this was both a tragic loss for our girls and a huge victory for their future. We still have to get through the tribe, and it will be months before we can adopt, but we are so, so hopeful!!
This is the chapter of our story that explains how Lillie came to be our daughter. A few things to know when reading: We were still foster parents at the time and thus not allowed to share pictures of our foster children. We also were not allowed to use their names on the blog. I've added these few pictures at the top in May of 2020.
Lillie Hope- October 2019
Lillie Hope- May 17, 2017
Want to know what it's like having six kids?
When someone sees our family and discovers that we have taken in the infant sister of our foster daughters, they usually make a facial expression that suggests they are concerned for my sanity. Who, in their right mind, would do such a thing?
Ummmm.... us. We would. We did. We are still the same people you knew before all this started. Well, actually, we are very different people. God has changed us so much that it's hard to even recognize some of who we were before. I remember saying the phrase, "I believe in quality over quantity" in reference to stopping at 3 children. Sometimes, I climb into my GINORMOUS SUV, exasperated just from getting everyone ready to go and loaded into The Beast (as we like to call our Expedition). I pause for a minute and look at my reflection in the rear view mirror and say, "I have six children."
The reality of our current family make up shocks me all over again. Six kids is not for the faint of heart.
But let me tell you how we got here. If you'd like to know how this whole journey started, I tell that story in this post. But today's post just explains how we got to 6 and where we go from here.
About five months ago, the biological mom of Sunshine and Luna gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Luna and Sunshine had been having weekly visits with their bio parents and watched as their mom's belly grew and grew. They returned from each visit brimming with excitement and speculation as to when their baby sister would come. I kept waiting for Sunshine to ask the obvious question, "Where will the baby live?"
But she never did.
And then the baby was born. We went to visit her in the hospital. The girls were ecstatic and cried when we left.
Contrary to all reason and sanity, the State allowed the baby to stay with the biological parents. So, even though Sunshine and Luna weren't safe to return to them, the baby was staying with them. If you think that such a decision is mind-boggling to you, just imagine explaining it to a 6 year old and a 3 year old. Now, once you've considered explaining it to small children, imagine that those small children have lived in the aforementioned unsafe family unit and have been told for 9 months that it's not safe to live with their parents right now. Imagine how Sunshine might feel. Confused? Worried? Anxious? Jealous? Angry? Does she even trust what I am telling her anymore?
I won't go into detail about what the few months following the baby's birth were like for her, but sufficeth to say that it was not a good time. Sunshine regularly asked me "Who is gonna take care of the baby?" And "Don't you love the baby?" or "Don't you think the baby is cute?" Luna would say, "I want to see what happened baby!"
Now for the next 3 1/2 months, the weekly visits to see the biological parents were filled with excitement over seeing baby sister. Sunshine experienced so much anxiety over the baby's care that I finally had to sit down and say, "Sweetheart. I don't get to choose where the baby lives. The Judge chooses that. But all the helpers are watching the baby and checking on her and if they see that she is unsafe, they will bring her here." I was hesitant to say any of that, because honestly, I don't trust the system. I, too, would lay awake and worry about that baby. Would she be fed, cleaned, cared for? Would it take harm coming to her before she was removed??
We went into fostering to adopt with the intention of helping Native families and possibly adopting one child. We already have three kids... we didn't want to get in over our heads. But our training helped us to understand that the real need is for families who will take sibling groups. The vast majority of children brought into foster care are sibling groups. This is a short film that was shown in our training classes and that can give you a glimpse into the life of a foster child and why it is so critical for siblings to stay together.
When the baby was born and stayed with the bio parents, we began to realize that it was growing more and more likely that Sunshine and Luna would eventually be sent back to them as well. This was a difficult pill to swallow. I share more about that experience in this post.
As the days progressed toward the girls returning to their parents, we saw many warning signs that suggested this was a NOT a safe plan, but there was no legal recourse, no evidence to show that the parents were not stable or ready. I continued to pray for them daily, but the struggle of trusting God with the girls' future was very real.
Somehow, peace from the Holy Spirit covered me like a blanket for about a month. As I battled daily to trust God's promises, the permanency review hearing crept closer and closer. The week before the hearing, our family was busy with end of school year activities, programs and preparations for my preschool graduation. Matt and I were (and when I say Matt and I, what I mean is Matt) busy scheduling and showing about 20 different people through our rental home and working to get anew lease signed there. I could feel the frantic pace of our lives creeping into my heart and stealing my peace. As the hearing drew closer, my worry for the girls began to increase exponentially. I realized that there was a very real chance the girls could go back to their bio parents very soon.
One particularly challenging day, the fear proved too strong. Court was in three days and I had no information. Would the girls be returning to their bio parents? What was the State recommending? How were the bio parents doing? Why won't the caseworker just call me back?! I had no answers. The tears escaped at every moment. Someone asked how I was and I said, "You know... today is rough. I'm struggling to choose faith over fear, but it is truly a miracle that I don't walk around crying all day every day. I'll be ok. It's just one of those days." Two days later, after multiple attempts to get information from the caseworker, I reached out to our Resource Family Consultant (RFC). (He is like the caseworker for the foster parents. He can be really helpful, but also doesn't have much information.) I asked him if he could find anything out for me.
Thirty minutes later, as Matt and I were showing a stream of potential renters through our rental home, the RFC texted me back: "The State is recommending a Trial Home Placement" (That is when the children are sent back to the parents on a trial basis- the State stays involved and checks in for about six months) My heart fell into my stomach. "How soon might that happen?", I asked He responded, "It usually happens pretty quickly after court, but it depends on the Judge." I looked up at Matt with mournful eyes. I told him and the words still hung in the air like a little conversation bubble over my head as the next renters walked in the house. They shook our hands and I had to sit down again- it was too much. The gravity of the situation settled over me like a cloud. Tonight could be our last night with them. Maybe a week or two, but what if tonight is the last night? My mind raced over all I wanted to tell them and show them before they left. The bleak nature of their future sat before me... pitch black. What would become of them? I sat there, stunned, watching Matt smile and show people around the house as if our entire universe weren't on fire. I felt a surge of jealousy at his ability to compartmentalize his emotions. I texted my mom and two very close friends and asked them to pray. I stood up and followed the happy family around our rental home, tears stinging the corners of my eyes. Rage began to build in my chest, "Why hadn't the caseworker warned me?!" Just then my phone rang. It was the caseworker. Our RFC must have called her and told her how upset I am about all this. I answered. "How are you feeling?", she had the audacity to ask. "Honestly, I'm ticked! I knew they might be going home soon. I realize that that is part of the reality of this situation, but I can't believe you didn't warn me. The girls need to be prepared and we deserve to know that this was on the table for this hearing. I can't even believe this..." And I went on and on. I could tell she was trying to interrupt me but I didn't care. I had to get this out. I had so much frustration pent up at her from her actions the past few months and it all came spewing out. Finally, she said loudly, "LAURA. Something has changed. Something has happened. We had to remove the baby and we are bringing her to you tonight."
*Pardon me while I pick up my jaw from the ground* "To us?" "If you're still ok with that." "Of course." Ummmmm.... PLOT TWIST!! She told me she'd be to my home around 7. It was just after 5. And so I texted my peeps, my tribe, my soul sistas that EVERYTHING just changed. And they went to work. Within two hours, we had all the essentials for a baby, when we had started with only a crib and two crib sheets. Matt stayed and finished showings; Matt's mom came over and watched the big kids and fed them dinner while I went shopping and loaded my cart with formula and baby essentials. Raegan's friend had baby items sitting and waiting to be taken to the thrift store, so Raegan got all of it and brought it to me. Natalie bought me a baby seat and a mat and my friend Mary brought diapers and my friend Renee brought a bassinet and clothes and wipes. My neighbor Melanie loaned us a baby swing and a baby bouncer, my friend Katrina brought baby clothes and formula. My dryer was broken and my dear friend Alecia did laundry for me and my visiting teachers brought dinner the next two nights. It was like an army. Onward, Christian Soldiers! I get tears in my eyes just thinking about all the love that has poured out to us from so many servants of Christ. I love all you people!! And just after seven, the caseworker appeared on my doorstep with the most beautiful, cuddly ball of baby. She has chubby cheeks, chubby thighs and a head full of curly black hair. She has eyes that shine like the moon and the sweetest sunshine smile. Since we call her sisters Sunshine and Luna, we'll call her Baby Star. Baby Star is so easy and sweet and precious. She has a darling smile and all of our children are ecstatic to have her with us. We are in Baby Heaven! Having Baby Star here has completely changed our family for the better. Sunshine and Luna are like different girls- their anxiety is abated and they adore her. We are amazed at how all of our big kids pitch in and help- we all fell head over heels for Star the moment we met her. They fight over who gets to pick her up when she wakes because she usually wakes up cooing and grinning instead of crying. While we didn't go into this wanting to do Baby Days again, we can't even imagine life without her here!
Our family as of June 2017, illustrated by Victoria, age 9
A week after the baby was removed from the biological parents and placed with us, their bio mom entered rehab. Finally. 14 months after the older two girls were removed. We were warned that the Judge might just send the girls all to live with her in rehab. Then we discovered that there is a Navajo aunt who wants the baby, but not the girls. About this time, I started feeling angry and exhausted. Seriously!? After all this, the girls could still go back to them? What will it do to Sunshine if the aunt takes the baby? How can I explain to her that their aunt wants the baby but not Sunshine and Luna? How do you tell a child that? I felt weary as I carried this sweet babe into the church building. I actually had the thought run through my head, "I'm so exhausted of this yo-yo game. I just want my life back." About thirty seconds later, I heard Brian Tate read this scripture,
Message Received. And I remembered why we are doing this.
The next court hearing was miraculous. After the incident that cause Baby Star to be removed, the judge ruled that the case move toward adoption and that the State will stop offering reunification services to the parents. That doesn't mean that their parental rights have been terminated, but it means things are heading in that direction. In addition, EVERYONE in the room agreed that that all three girls need to be kept together and that removing the baby would be harmful to all the girls. The Judge ruled that DCFS or the girls' Tribe would need a court order to separate the girls. This was a huge victory since we were sort of holding our breath to see if the baby would be staying or going. We are so hopeful. Unfortunately, as many of you know, because our girls are Native American, this is an ICWA case. The girls' Tribe gets the final say on whether or not we adopt. When we first started this, our original caseworker said to me, "The Tribe is never going to let you adopt them." I contacted an ICWA worker for Utah Foster Care and she said, "Unfortunately, what often happens in cases like this, is that the Tribe allows the child to be fostered by the State because they don't have the resources to do so. Then, when adoption appears imminent, the Tribe swoops in and removes the children, placing them with an adoptive family in their Tribe."
We are hopeful. We are grateful that things appear to be concluding so that the girls can have some permanency in their lives. But we also know this could go either way.
We are headed to court Monday morning, June 26th, where it appears that one or both of the parents will voluntarily relinquish their rights. If they don't, there will be a trial where the parents will almost certainly lose their rights.
We have no indication of where the girls Tribe stands on this. We hope to find out at court. The Biological Parents, The girls' attorney, The State and the girls' extended family all want the girls to stay with us. It's hard to believe that the Tribe can overrule all of that, but that is where we stand right now. You can read more about ICWA and how it affects our case HERE. We do ask you to pray for us. Pray for the girls, pray for our future, pray for peace to accept what God has planned. The fact is, if we are able to adopt the girls... it will be a Miracle.
But my God is the God of Miracles.
I'm just gonna tell you right now: I am a control freak. I do not enjoy any activity that involves the loss of control. This includes but is not limited to:
Trampolines,
Swimming or even standing in the ocean,
watching scary movies,
allowing my children to eat saltines or popsicles inside my house.
You get the idea...
You would think that when I heard what Foster Care involves, I would run the completely opposite direction. The amount of control I have is approximately 0%. It is maddening. I cannot tell you how many times I have fallen to my knees and cried to God, "I can't."
I have spent hours trying to figure out ways to control the situation, to enact change, to fight for our girls... In some ways, this character trait makes me a tenacious foster parent. But much of the time, it has been the source of tremendous frustration. Over the past 15 months that we have had Sunshine and Luna, I have been challenged every day to actually trust God... not just say I trust God, but to actually rest in the belief that God will get this right.
I want to share with you a few songs that have changed my life and my heart during this journey:
My beautiful, faithful prayer warrior mother shared this one with me:
And another one:
I am learning to pray that God's will be done and to cling to Him even when He leaves mountains unmoved.
The truth is that with Isaac, Daphne and Victoria, Matt and I already have the whole world. Being able to adopt the girls would give us the Sun, Moon and Stars as well. We hope and pray that whoever cares for our Sun, Moon and Star will keep them safe and let them shine. We are blessed beyond measure and pray for their future and the future of our family, whether it be a party of five or a party of eight... We trust His plan.
